Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2007-11-20 07:13:21 (UTC)

Brutal and Cathartic

I have a feeling this is a subject I'm going to be
revisiting for a long time yet. As much as I'd like to
think my thing for Ron is totally behind me, I realize
that it isn't. It's still a fresh wound. A wound I keep
picking the scab off of. Why? Because my curiosity (as to
how serious he's getting with the new girl in his life)
keeps making me do it!

Tonight we talked on the phone for awhile. Not long. Maybe
20 minutes. Maybe once every couple of weeks we'll talk on
the phone. Catch up on each other's lives. It's always
just barely scratching the surface of how we're really
feeling. He talks about work. I talk about work. He asks
about the kids, I tell him about the kids. I hate it. I
miss our passionate conversations. The ones we used to
have in bed before we fell asleep. The good ones. It's not
so much even the sex I miss (okay, I miss that a little)
so much as an intellectual equal. An emotional equal.
Someone who shares a lot of my same feelings and emotions
about things. And if we didn't share the same feelings,
someone capable of expressing WHY we don't. I miss the
pillow talk.

Tonight during our conversation he mentioned that
he'd "had sex" with this new girl. At first it was like a
stab to the heart. I shouldn't feel jealousy. He isn't
mine. But, I admit I do. I take comfort in the fact that
he's just "having sex" with her and not "making love" to
her, as he referred to it when it was us doing it. He said
sex was too impersonal. If you care about a person, you
make love to them. I didn't ask him if this was the case
for him and her (and he just misspoke). I just shrugged it
off. He changed the subject to the weather (which I was
grateful for). Our conversation was cut short when she
called.

I'll be honest. I don't feel any animosity towards his new
girlfriend (if she is that yet). I think he's selling
himself short and can do a lot better. I don't know her
personally, but she's close friends with a good friend of
mine. Who speaks highly of her character (she's a nice
girl), but doesn't think Ron will be happy with her in the
long run. I'd never say that to him, because I don't want
him to think I wish him ill-well, but if he's going to
move on from me, I wish it were with someone I could at
least feel was a step up from me. Would that make this any
easier?

I wonder if he still reads my diary? I don't see why he
would. I suppose none of this is anything I'd care if he
saw anyway. My life is an open book these days. Honesty is
both brutal and cathartic. I need to go to bed now. Ciao.




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