Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2007-11-12 07:14:58 (UTC)

My Life Is At A Crossroads

***

Even though I didn't feel as good today as I did
yesterday, I can't really complain about my day in
general. It wasn't so bad. Laying in bed all day doesn't
leave you open for much to happen.

I had lofty goals planned for today. Cleaning and
decorating. Really too much for one of my first few days
of feeling well. Or at least not as ill. I thought about
all the things I'd talked myself into doing and pretty
much said "fuck it" and crawled back in bed. I felt a
little sad today and lonely. Jason had duty, so it was
just me and the girls. They are some sort of diversion,
but not quite the same as adult companionship. My life is
at a crossroads. I wish I had someone to talk about it
with....

What I didn't share in my entry last night was that
instead of coming home like I probably should have. I had
dinner and a lengthy conversation with Ron. We didn't do
anything, I mean really. I'm pregnant, bloated and
completely unattractive. Why would he want to? We sat and
talked for a long time...About 5 hours. He described some
of the girls he's been dating and how they aren't working
out for him. I listened and quietly wrestled with my
emotions and feelings. Nothing has really changed since
September when all of this came to light. The only
difference is that I'm pregnant now. With another one of
Jason's children. Was that such a good idea given how torn
I still feel? Maybe not, but what's done is done. I still
wish there was a way Ron and I could be together, without
damaging the family I have with Jason. There's no way
that's possible and it's selfish for me to even want that.
It isn't fair to Ron or Jason. Ron wants a family, not to
be the "other man". He deserves more than that. Jason has
a family. He shouldn't have to worry whether or not it
will be taken from him. Based on his behavior lately, I'm
not entirely sure he's concerned about that, but I'm sure
it's crossed his mind once or twice.

When I talk about Jason's behavior, I'm referring to his
interest in finding another woman. He's been toying with
the idea of finding a "fuck buddy" (as he puts it),
because he feels cheated. Cheated that I got to go outside
of the marriage and explore. In reality, I wasn't
exploring anything, but for him sex is the only motivation
he understands for straying (seeing as how he isn't
getting any right now). I told him that cheating on me
wasn't going to make him feel better really, but if it's
something he's just got to do, then whatever. I did tell
him I wouldn't condone it, because I think his idea of
revenge is wrong, but if he's going to openly admit that
he wants to cheat on me because "fair is fair" then I
think I should be allowed to be friends with Ron. Actual
friends, because Ron has moved on from me. I may still
have lingering feelings, but I believe after talking to
Ron last night that he's moved on to bigger and better
things. For his sake I hope he has.

I don't doubt that Jason loves me. He's naturally a very
affectionate person and showers me with signs of love
daily. More than I'd like at times (I'm not a physically
affectionate person, thanks to my ice princess of a
mother). I do feel that our relationship has been
compromised a little by all this, but do I think it's
unsalvagable? No. Far from it. We'll be fine. Once we get
other people out of our marriage. In the past it's been us
against the world. We've been through so much together.
Both of us realize we couldn't have done it alone (his
financial struggles, my issues with my stepdad and
mother). We both decided that that alone was worth saving
our marriage.

Okay, so to make a long rambling journal entry short: I
need to get over my lingering feelings for Ron and focus
on my life with Jason. Our family and our future. What
incited all of this and what had me thinking about it all
day was seeing Ron yesterday. He looks so good and he was
wearing the cologne I bought him (which smells so good,
especially on him). It just brought all this stuff back.
But, enough. That's all. I feel better now :) Ciao.




Ad: