rainy

My heart in a knot
2007-11-05 23:54:55 (UTC)

hey it's been a while (update)

Hey I don't know how long it's been... it has felt like a
long time but that may be due to the fact that I've been a
little bit more busy lately : ) . For one: I've gotten a new
job! a second job! and it pays a lot better then my first
job plus it's a step up from my last job which is really
good because it's a sign that my life is moving in a
positive direction, and I'm soooo happy about that! : D Also
I have met some cool people... well a few.. I wish that I
were working with a few more diverse people but one girl is
really cool I think I would be able to relate to her the
most but she is 2 years younger then me so it makes me feel
a little bit weird that I feel I can relate more to her
especially considering that there is another girl only a
year older then me there... but the first girl is around my
height so it's a bit different, I guess... I don't know I
want to learn to like all people equally.. like the first
girl I mentioned, kandy, she seems to like all people
equally, plus she gets along with everyone.

She seems a bit hyper active though... it's like she can
start talking and never stop! lol in my own little way I
wish I were more like that... or at least more like her
(which like I was saying before is a bit embarrassing
because she is younger then me but I don't know why..)
Anyway she seems to say what ever comes to her mind,
sometimes it doesn't seem to have any kind of direction or
specific intention.. it's almost like she doesn't even
recognize she is saying it... which makes me what to study
her psychologically... just because she is so spontaneous..
it's like.. does she know what she just said?? or did she
just say it to get a laugh out of someone...

I don't know.. but she's pretty cool. Also my managers are
ok.. one is a kind of jesus guy.. he wears a big cross
around his neck and the other guy is just a bit mean
looking, but I hope I can get around him with my childlike
innocence that I sometimes fake.. lol it's how I've been
able to keep my first job for so long!

Speaking of my first job... I've been having a hard time
there.. especially with you know who.. I've really been
trying to be friends with her but it just isn't working out.
We have a meeting on sunday come to think of it, I hope that
it goes well and I also hope I don't have to work late on
Saturday because I will find it hard to get up on sunday..


Oh yea.. I've been kind of neglecting gerado.. he's the guy
who likes me and he buys me things.. ever since I've gotten
my second job we haven't had anytime what so ever to hang
out or do anything.. mostly because I work mainly weekends
and that was the time we use to go out the most, plus I work
everyday, but a little part of me is glad I'm keeping busy
because it's good for one's health.. Speaking of health I
also got a new game called eyetoy knitic, it's really fun
it's like a work out game... Today I wanted to get another
game for my ps2 but it was GONE, yes I was so sad because I
was saving up for it but today it was gone.. they had 3 and
they were gone.... it would of been a fun game too... so now
I feel like If I see something I really want I should get it
when I first see it... even if I have to take it back later,
at least I can have it for a while.. but I don't feel
completely hopeless I may be able to find the game in
another game store soon. I will look out for it.


I can't wait to see kandy again, like I was saying she is
pretty cool even though she is younger then me I'm sure I
can learn a lot from her, plus like I was saying she is so
spontaneous and I'm nothing like that, but I'd like to be..
I don't want to be uptight anymore... you know Benjamin
picked up on that and we talked about it for a short while
when he came to visit me at work.. he wants me to be more
loose and wear sexy clothes.. lol Oh yea he also came up
with this bet that I would still be a virgin in 2 years and
that if I was still a virgin in 2 years I would have to give
him $25.00 and if I wasn't a virgin in 2 years he would give
me $25.00... so yea... doesn't that sound like he is just
trying to get me to have sex with him???? he really has been
working hard at making me feel bad about being a virgin..
the one thing that got to me is when he said he felt like he
was babysitting me when we go out.. which is embarrassing
because like I've said in my previous entires I can be a bit
child like although I've trying to break that habit.

... so yea... I guess that's all I can think of now..I've
really missed writing in here, and I would really like to
write more often because I enjoy it plus it's like having
someone to talk to... you know about things that matter.. I
don't know, I guess I don't know if I would be able to talk
about this stuff to people I know... of course it wouldn't
hurt to try... plus I would be able to get real feedback..
of course they may just think I'm crazy : ( but no... I
really would like a best friend to talk to all the time that
would be sooo freaking awesome. Plus I bet I'd mature a bit
too, I really need to stop pushing people away. I've really
been thinking about being more open with people but I don't
want to get crushed along the way, I also don't want to be
mocked or teased.. of course there are people who put
themselves out there all the time and they get teased but
yet they still do it, it's like they just get over it and I
want to be that way too. I'd just like to not care what
other people think of me and just live my life for me..


Like Benjamin is always telling me.."you have to enjoy life"
I really want to enjoy life more and have fun... my second
job seems to be helping me feel more comfortable around
massive amounts of people and I'm glad about that, although
I do still hide a bit and I sometimes feel self conscious I
think I get over it more and more... plus I have been
getting positive feedback and even negative ones seem
redundant.. : ) so I hope now my life is on more of a
positive track and soon I will begin to really blossom!

plus my second job pays A LOT better!

well that's all for tonight, it's getting late and I'm
getting tired... so I'm off to sleep.


latersz




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