Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
It's Killing Me Inside
***
As human beings, we're not perfect,
and we're not supposed to be.
But that's not always an easy thing for us to realize.
The best we can do is to do the best we can,
give it our all, and always give thanks.
We don't make it alone in this world.
We're lucky that there are people
placed in our path to guide us,
protect us, and touch our lives
so that we can get through it all...
one day at a time.
Julia Escobar
(Isn't it amazing, this just so happened to be the quote
for the day? I needed to hear that.)
First and foremost, before I get into my life, I want to
thank all the people who sent me such supportive feedback.
I was expecting a major backlash against me, but instead,
all I got was support, understanding and tolerance. I
don't feel like the "bad guy" I thought I'd be made out to
be. So, THANK YOU EVERYBODY!
It's actually Saturday morning (early afternoon, I should
say, but morning for me :). We got home late last night
and I didn't feel like writing, so here I am now.
Jason and I spent the day together. Basically, trying to
rekindle our relationship. More so for me, than him. He's
trying everything in his power to make me love him like I
used to (his words, not mine). We dropped the girls off at
school and daycare, then went to breakfast at the Family
Pancake House. I had a really great club omelet. So, that
was a good start to my day.
After breakfast, we went to the mall to get our wedding
sets cleaned. That was symbolic. A clean start. Both of
our rings are sparkling clean, like the day we married
(only one of the prongs on my center diamond is loose.
I'll need to get that fixed if I'm planning on keeping
this ring). Jason thought he'd lost a couple diamonds in
his ring. Turns out it was so filthy, he just couldn't see
them. Since we were already in the mall. Jason wanted to
see how much Ron paid for the jewelry he bought me. I was
surprised at how much he spent. Yet another thing to make
me feel bad about.
Gen had a doctor's appointment, so we went to the hospital
to babysit Cyrus for her. It's the longest amount of time
I've ever spent with him. One-on-one, at least. He was so
wonderful. He never cried, he never fussed. We got along
just fine. Unfortunately, the very thing I was hoping to
avoid (that warm fuzzy feeling little babies give you)
happened anyway and now I want another one. Now isn't the
best time, but Jason hasn't been taking ANY precautions.
So, I may get another baby simply out of spite. Once I
started having sex with Jason again, he started coming
inside me because he was "marking his territory". How
primal. It's not like I can stop him. So, what do I do?
Have another baby, I guess. As he put it "you're really
not going anywhere with 3 kids". How romantic. I've
already decided that if he hasn't already gotten me
pregnant, I'm going to have an IUD put in. That way it's
out of both of our hands. He doesn't have to wear a
condom, like he so hates and I don't have to remember a
pill. Yet another pill.
We all stopped off at Starbucks after Gen's appointment
and had a quick coffee. Gen had other things to do and we
went on about our day, too.
NOW HERES THE INTERESTING PART **WARNING:SEXUAL IN NATURE**
Jason decided he wanted to see a movie together. Something
we used to do all the time when we were dating and first
living together. We got to the theater just in time to
catch I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Which, was a
hilariously funny movie. I highly recommend it. Anyhow,
since it was a matinee showing, when we walked into the
theater, we were all alone. Just us. Jason decided that
since we had the theater all to ourselves, we should
fulfill one of his fantasies. Need I say more? Then, just
moments before the movie started a mother and her teen-
aged daughter came into the theater and sat in the front.
We were in the very last row. I thought Jason would change
him mind, since he's never been the adventurous type, but
he took my hand and put it in his lap and I was astonished
to see that the idea of having company actually turned him
on more. So, we watched the beginning of the movie, just
to give stragglers a chance to come in, if any were going
to. Then, I slipped off my panties, he opened his pants
and I sat on his lap. Actually, it wasn't bad at all. The
seats squeezed a little, so I had to move carefully during
the quieter scenes of the movie, but it was kind of fun.
Not great or fulfilling in anyway, but fun. We've never
done it anywhere that public before.
Okay, back to being clean...
Jason decided that instead of making me give up my Friday
nights at Mako's, he's going to join me. I was expecting
it to be the usual good time it always is, but it wasn't.
Jason wouldn't keep his eyes off me for a second. I
couldn't talk to anyone, I couldn't dance with anyone. I
was stifled. The worst part was, I missed Ron even more.
It was like his ghost was there in the club. Like he was
in the crowd, but I couldn't find him. A few times,
certain songs would come on and I'd have to go outside,
because it was too hard to hear. At one point, I ran
outside and started crying because I couldn't bear it
anymore. Misty came out after me and held me while I
cried. Then, she went back inside and stalled Jason, so I
could call Ron. She danced with him, talked with him and
did about 3 shots of Tequila just to keep him from coming
outside.
I didn't talk to Ron, I cried to him how much I missed him
and wished I could be with him. I do love him. I wanted to
entertain the idea of being with him. I wanted the life he
promised me. I want it still. I just don't see how it's
possible. I love Snookums (Jason, whatever you want to
call him), too. But, in a totally different way than I
love Ron. Snookums is like a good buddy. Ron is passionate
and romantic and I'm head over heels in love with him. I
hate it, too. I want to love him openly and I can't. I'm
going to have to give him up and it's killing me inside.
I have to go for now. Snookums wants to go look at washers
and dryers for our new house (housing doesn't come with
washers or dryers). Then, dinner at Applebee's. I'd rather
take a nap, but that's not an option. Ciao for now.
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