rainy

My heart in a knot
2007-07-11 20:18:57 (UTC)

my last experence with benjamin

Ok so this is about my last experiences with Benjamin-- it
was about 4 weeks ago so I guess around june 25-26 I'm not
sure, but he and I went out after not seeing each other for
about 4 months. anyway I was really excited to see him again
because I thought that he didn't want to see me anymore or
something, so we made plans to meet at the mall.

So we were at the mall and we didn't stay there long because
of the incident that happen the last time we were there (see
previous entry) and we went to his car.. of course he told
me that it wasn't his car like he did the last time, with
his other car, so he has 3 cars, A van, a SUV and a regular
car. He was in the SUV that day, and told me his other car
was in the shop and he had to borrow his friends car, which
was highly unlikely so I knew it was a lie. Plus he had his
mail in the back seat and papers with his name all around
(which is how I was able to get his address ; ) ... lol .
Anyway I also found out his kids name and it turns out he
has a 14 year old kid which blew me away because I knew he
had kids but I thought they were just little kids, anyway he
had their report cards and they make pretty good grades.
Anyway enough about his offspring.

So we got into his car and he told me he wanted to show me
something so he got out his computer and was looking for a
connection but I'm not sure if he found it or not but anyway
he pulled up some porn (which I was not too surprised about
because he told me he would show me some) he wanted to show
me the different ways that people have sex because I am so
clueless when it comes to sex, anyway the porn was pretty
straight forward, a man and a woman doing sexual things, I
couldn't see the screen real well because it was on his
laptop btw he has a HUGE laptop, it may as well be a
desktop, he should find a smaller one.

So after we watched the porn we left... well not right away
he asked me if I had some place to go and that we were going
to go somewhere, I was totally freaked out about leaving the
mall, mainly because I'm paranoid about my car being stolen,
which he mentioned in a mean way that "if you're going to
steal something at least steal something nice" implying that
my car is a piece of crap, but it really got to me and now I
think my car is hideous, but it's old and there is nothing I
can do!!!

Anyway so we left the mall despite how afraid I was I mean I
didn't know where we were going, and it freaked me out, so
anyway here comes the part that kind of upset me the most,
as we were leaving he asked me how much money I make were I
work and I was like it depends.. and he was like give me a
average, so I told him I make about 170 bi-weekly, which is
true because my job sucks. anyway after he asked me that I
kind of knew where the conversation was headed although I
couldn't believe that someone like me was in a situation
like that. I didn't want to believe it, so he was just like
if you have sex with me I'll give you $40 a hour and I was
just thinking WTF? Do I look like a prostitute to you????? I
thought it was seriously disrespectful and I wanted to leave
right then, but we were already on the highway so we
couldn't just stop. So then he went on and on how I could
make more money in 4 hours then I make in 2 weeks. I didn't
say anything, but he kept talking and he was like- let's
just find a bank, so we went to a bank and he got out $200 I
guess he thought that that would convene me, but I'm not
cheap, even though $200 is a lot, but not for my virginity!!!

So he had the money and after a while after he realized that
I was a bit pissed off about the whole money for sex thing
he just said he'll give me $40 if I gave him oral sex (with
out the condom, because I insist on using a condom no matter
what).. I didn't like that too much either so after that he
went up to $50.. So I'm thinking NO MONEY FOR SEX NO SEX FOR
MONEY-- I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL. He really must of thought
differently of me although he didn't know me that well,
although he got to know me better by the end of that night.

So he realized that I was not going to do anything sexual
for money but he still wanted to have sex with me, so he
goes to a hotel, and I was freaked out because I have never
been in a hotel with anyone except my family on vacations--
so he went in and came back and asked me if I wanted to go
in, I told him no, he was a bit disappointed by anyway we
went on.

We then went back to the mall because he figured that we
were not going to have sex that day. So I was a bit upset
because I wanted to spend time with him and I guess he
picked up on that because at the spare of the moment he
asked me if I wanted to go in a resturant, and it wasn't a
mcdonalds or something cheap and disqusting like that, it
was some kind of sea-food place (although I hate sea food)
anyway we went in and this is where I realized how Immature
and unexperenced I really am...


Ok so I'm really embarrassed to say this part but it's
important.. so we went in and we got seated, immediately I
was so nervous I thought I was going to puke, here I was in
a restaurant with a guy who just offered me money for sex
who looks 3 times my age and who is 16 years older then me
who is also a business man... so I was just thinking-- "what
is everyone going to think of me..of this..of us" so we sat
down and looked at the menu .. of course I hate sea food and
I didn't want to eat there, but I scanned the menu and guess
what I ordered??? A HAMBURGER AND FRIES. lol. ok so I
looked really immature ordering a hamburger and fries and I
felt really stupid especially when the waiter asked me how I
wanted it fixed and I didn't know what to say-- so I said
well done ( which was a mistake because it tasted burnt)
anyway he order ed a more adult meal.. oysters I think and
some other stuff oh and 2 glasses of wine...


ok so when he ordered the wine that's when I really started
to freak out- and yes I am 20 years old, soon to be 21. So
why am I afraid of wine and inexperienced in restaurants? I
don't know, but I started shaking really bad, it was
horrible I was so embarrassed, I really couldn't stop
shaking. It wasn't like I was having a seizor or anything it
was more like I was REALLY REALLY nervous. And I was. I
really didn't want to drink the wine so when it came I just
stared at it.. and he kept pressuring me to drink the
wine... he kept saying, it's just wine, drink it. So we sat
there for about 15mins but it felt longer then that, he was
almost finished with his wine by then and I still had a full
glass, I was so worried about what people were thinking
about us, because he was clearly being sexual with me.
anyway after a while he got really upset with the wine and
me shaking and biting my nails, he was like look at me.. in
the eyes.. and drink the wine. ok So I was scared then so I
just drunk one sip, and he said thank you. lolololol... ok
so anyway that was my wine experience, wine is really gross
and I don't care if I'm 20 I don't like it.

So after that he seemed satisfied, he drunk the rest of my
wine and we talked for a while... first off he said
something that kind of upset me it was something like. You
are a adult but you act 16 I can't even get you to drink a
cup of wine without having to smack you. No he didn't smack
me if he did he wouldn't be here today. Ok so although that
was a mean comment he was right I'm 20 years old but I have
the life experience of a 16 year old. Maybe even younger.
The conversation got even worst after that, he asked me to
name 5 accomplishments that I have achieved so far in my
life.. and I sat there like a little baby trying to think
about it, I couldn't even come up with one. Not that I don't
have any but it was like he was giving me a pop quiz and I
wasn't ready. So then he took everything he knew about me
and told me 5 things I've accomplished in my life.. I felt
so sad and embarrassed, it made me realize that I really
need to start acting my age. After that question I tried to
more mature, I stopped shaking and I stopped worrying about
what others around us thought about us. It really was kind
of a life altering experience...

of course by the end of the night I was still immature and
was too afraid to ask the waitress for a take home box,lol.
but he did it for me..(btw it was not that I was afraid of
her but she was giving us looks the whole time).

He paid for everything, I think it was about $30 something
or more, he didn't even want his change, we just left
without it. (it was about $10 and if it were me I would of
waited for it!)

So after that we left and went to his car-- but the night
was not over yet!! I'm going to keep this part short because
some if it is creepy...

we went back to the empty parking lot and he wanted to have
sex, by then I was a bit more comfortable with him so I was
willing to undress a bit- so I did and we got in the back
and he was very forceful with me it made me uncomfortable
because I didn't want him to use force-- and I knew he
wouldn't because he is a very respectful guy.. I could tell
he was just frustrated because he wanted sex.. and I wish it
didn't have to be that way I wish he wanted love and
affection but that's not what he wants... so after that
while looking at him I decided that it was best if we left
so I persuaded him that we could try "it" tomorrow, just
because I could tell he may have been a bit under the
influence of the wine he had drunk.
he was disappointed but we left anyway....

he drove back to the mall and it was dark out by then and he
drove me to my car where we said our goodbyes

Later that night we wrote each other emails and made plans
for the next day.. even though it may sound stupid or
childish it was kind of romantic for me, I have no
experience with men even though I'm 20 and that's sad but I
can't help it...

so that night I went to sleep with the scent of him all over
me.. it was romantic... : )

lol

anyway I'll write part 2 (the second day) later tonight when
I come back... it's about what happened and how we acually
went into the hotel.




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