Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2007-06-15 05:42:40 (UTC)

I'm Scarred

***

I'm not really sure where to start. I missed last night's
entry because I fell asleep. Now yesterday is a blur and
anything of importance has left the forefront of my mind.
Oh well, it couldn't have been that important.

I do remember seeing Dr. Daly yesterday. She's a
psychiatrist at Naval Hospital. She was a cold woman.
Rather stone-faced and unfeeling. She had no warmth in her
voice or demeanor at all. I didn't enjoy talking with her
in the least bit. She didn't make me feel bad, but she
didn't make me feel very good either. She put me on two
more anti-depressants on top of the Celexa. Which, I'm not
very pleased about, because I wanted to get off the
Celexa. I don't want to be drugged. I want to be dead, but
suicide is complicated and accidental death is hard to
come by. The ice princess also had my blood drawn to check
my thyroid for any abnormalities. I didn't get a call
back, so that much have gone well. It isn't physical, it's
all in my head.

I saw Dr. Martin today for our routine weekly appointment.
He told me that Dr. Daly recommended I have psychological
testing done because I'm "unstable". For some reason this
was a blow to me. Partly because it just sounds bad. I'm
unstable. What exactly does that mean? I know there's
something wrong with me. There has been for a long time.
No matter what people say about your childhood being your
past and to "just get over it", it doesn't work that way.
I'm all fucked up and even I'm not too crazy to see that.
I don't dwell on my past. I don't even think about it all
that often, but it's like a burn. The pain goes away, but
the scar is there forever. I'm scarred. Horribly.

I got sucked in by a Mary Kay consultant. On Tuesday I was
in Target shopping for Gen's shower, when she came up and
asked me if I would do a facial thing for her. I figured
sure, what the hell. Well, she came today and did her
thing and before I knew it, I'd bought about $300 worth of
the stuff. It better work, or I'm sending it all back.
That's a lot of money to drop on facial creams and crap.
Why am I such a sucker?

Finally! I did something I've been wanting to do for a
long time. I cleaned the girls' room. Gen and Sam helped
me a lot, because it was a way bigger task than I'd
anticipated it to be. Even with the 3 of us working on it,
it still took almost 4 hours to get rid of all the garbage
and clothes on the floor. Now it's perfect. Right down to
vacuuming behind the furniture. I love it! It's the one
highlight of my day. For the most part, my day was crap.
I'm not feeling so wonderful at the moment, but I'd rather
not get into it.

I need to sleep now. I've got a ton of laundry to do and I
have to meet the Mary Kay lady again tomorrow. There was a
few things I ordered she didn't have with her, so we're
meeting again tomorrow. Why do I keep doing this to myself?
Ciao.




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