Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
A Man For A Day
***
Man, I was a bitch today. Sometimes I really hate being a
woman. It's so much hardship. So much sacrifice. What I'd
give just to be a man for a day. No constant surge of
teeter-tottering hormones. No sore breasts. No irrational
mood swings (well, at least not the crying one minute,
rage filled the next kind of mood swings). No bloating and
best of all, no bleeding. I haven't had a period in
awhile, but this one is kicking my ass.
Cookies. My mantra for the day. All I wanted today was
cookies. I thought about french fries. Milkshakes.
Chocolate bars. But really the only thing I couldn't
resist were cookies. Soft, chewy, sweet and oh so
satisfying. I want to get totally in control of my eating.
I want to lose weight. I want to regain the willpower and
composure I had this time last year, but I can't. I just
can't. For some reason it's not in me. Not even Snookums
impending homecoming is enough reason for me to kick it
into high gear. Every morning I wake with new found
resolve. Only for it to be tested by lunch time. I don't
know what to do. I don't know how to get my groove back.
Maybe I'll just make a trip to McDonald's for some of
their warm, salty, crunchy french fries. Mmmmm. Yummy.
Maybe I will. Then tomorrow will be yet another day of
starting over and trying again. One day it'll stick. One
day I'll be able to put food out of my mind. It just
doesn't seem to be today.
I had 2 appointments this morning. I feel like Naval
Hospital is my second home, I'm there so much. At least
twice a week. I'll be there again tomorrow (the girls have
their check-ups). Dr. Martin delved into my head again.
During the week, I can think of several things I want to
talk with him about, but when I get there. I draw a blank.
The entire hour usually consists of him asking me
questions like "What do you feel is the most important
thing for us to discuss today"? I never know how to
answer. It feels like I've got a million and one things to
talk about, but they seem terribly trivial. So, I'm left
with nothing. Maybe I'll start keeping notes throughout
the week. Just to have something to refer to when he asks
me one of those open questions.
My second appointment was just a follow-up on my
cellulitis. It's healing well. The antibiotics are working
and everything looks good. No secondary infections or
blood poisoning. Thankfully. Like I need one more thing.
After all my appointments, I went for another walk on the
Clearcreek trails. I think the little bits of exercise are
helping me some. Thanks to my period, I haven't lost any
weight the past couple of days, but I'm trying to stay
optimistic. I've been eating a thousand times better, even
with my little relapse today. I didn't have a calorie
deficient, but I was under my required amount to maintain
my weight. Compromise. Today will be a compromise. I've
got to let the PMSing woman that I am have her chance to
emotionally eat.
Work was good. Even though I was in a foul mood. I still
managed to have a good day at work. I'm lucky to have at
least that one thing go right for me. I finally found a
job I don't resent going to. Or think about quiting every
5 minutes. Sometimes, it's my only time in the day I'm not
obsessing about myself and all my issues. I feel special
because I work there. Like I'm part of an elite club.
Hundreds of girls have applied in the past few months and
only 5 have been hired. I was one of those few and not
only am I still here, I'm thriving. There's one thing to
be happy about.
Kiki got into a fight at daycare today. Apparently the
little boy that's been biting her for the past year
finally got a taste of his own medicine. He tried to take
a toy from Kiki. She wouldn't give it up, so he pushed
her. She bit his hand and took her toy back. I pretended I
was distressed by this sudden show of bad behavior, but on
the inside I was glad Kiki FINALLY stood up for herself.
This kid has been messing with her since they were in the
infant room together. Maybe he'll think twice before he
messes with her again. I don't think Kiki will become a
biter. She's never exhibited signs of that kind of
behavior before, so I don't see it happening now. I'll
keep my eyes open, though. Ciao.
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