Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2007-04-26 03:41:33 (UTC)

I'm Just NOT Okay

***

I was SO not ready to go back to work today. I thought I
was going to be okay. I told myself I was going to be
okay, but in reality...I was NOT okay. I'm just NOT okay.
No matter how much I try to will myself to be. It doesn't
happen like that. You can't snap your fingers and expect
things to be right. It takes time and I haven't given
myself enough of it. I'm going to be a little off for
awhile. I need to give myself that space and time. I need
to heal.

I was doing okay for the most part. I wouldn't talk to
anyone for any other reason that work-related issues. I
couldn't look anyone in the eye. I didn't smile, I didn't
laugh. I wasn't me and it was very apparent to everyone
around me. I was just trying to keep it together! I don't
know what came over me. I got there and my hands were
shaking, I felt hot, then cold. Sick to my stomach, then
fine. It was almost like I was having a panic attack. Why?
I don't have panic attacks, especially not somewhere I
feel so comfortable. VS is like my second home. I'd
managed to keep it together for the most part until a
young mother came into the store. She had a newborn with
her. A little girl. Seeing babies doesn't really bother
me, but apparently hearing them cry does, because the
little baby started crying from hunger and the mother
ignored her and continued to shop. Before I knew what hit
me. I was crying. I got to the back before anyone really
saw me, but when I reached the office, it was over. I was
a sniveling, sobbing, snotty-faced mess. Kim and Jenny
tried to comfort me, but I was just a wreck. I sat back in
the office and cried for about 30 minutes. Then once I
could somewhat pull myself together, Jenny and I went on
30 minute smoke break. I haven't been smoking, but I made
an exception today. We talked about our problems for a
bit, then headed back to the store. Today was just a
fiasco. I'm glad I'm off until Monday. Maybe I'll be in
better shape by then.

Today is Kiki's 2nd birthday. In all that's been going on
with me, I think I kind of forgot to mention that. Her
grandmothers came through as they always do. Gen bought
her some clothes and I got her a tricycle I can steer with
a long handlebar and a little toddler helmet. She looks so
cute on it and she likes it, so that's great. Nothing
fancy. She doesn't understand the concept of birthday's
yet.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment to make sure
everything is complete and nothing has been left behind.
I'm pretty sure all is well. I don't think things could
get much worse for me, and if they did, I'm already too
shell-shocked to notice. I'm hovering around 90% crazy,
what's 10% more? Ciao until tomorrow.




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