Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2007-04-24 02:57:30 (UTC)

Tripping Through The Daisies

**

I'm not okay. It's going to be a long time before I'm
okay. I'll survive, as I always do, but surviving isn't
nearly enough. I want to live. Happily, even! But to only
survive is to only half-live and I'm tired of doing that.
I want to feel something other than pain, immerse myself
in something other than sorrow and wake up feeling like
the day isn't already wasted. I'm fully aware that what
I'm going through now is sorrow by my own hand. My fault.
A pain I brought upon myself and will have to live with
for the rest of my days, but there has to be a point when
I'll come to terms with it. A point when I won't feel
stabbing pain just thinking about it. I will have made my
peace and moved on from it. Good lord, I'm far from that
blissful point. But, someday I'll arrive.

After dropping Kiki off at daycare (after therapy), I came
home and went back to bed. I slept fitfully for most of
the day, and woke up around 4pm with a newfound resolve.
Not a strong one, but something. I dare say it almost felt
like...hope...I didn't think I had any of that left, but I
guess I still have a little left in me. I decided that
it's time I get out of bed, get out of my pajamas and get
back to work (I haven't worked since Monday of last week).
Not to mention, back in shape. I basically checked out of
life and now it's time for me to hand in my boarding pass
and get back on the wagon, so to speak. Do you need a
boarding pass for a wagon? Whatever, you know what I mean.
Stupid analogy, Jennifer.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm going to make an honest attempt at
getting back to normalcy...or whatever that means for me.
I'm going to the gym, I'm getting out of my pajamas, I'm
even going to put on some makeup. Something else I haven't
done in a week. I only work one day this week. Wednesday.
That's the only day they couldn't get covered for me. Next
week I go back to an ordinary work schedule. I was kind of
hoping they'd ease off me a little with the hours, but I'm
still happy that me disappearing for a week didn't affect
how they feel about me. If anyone else had skipped out on
5 shifts in a row AND a store meeting, they'd have been
fired instantaneously. They must like me, or something.

In an attempt to make good on my path to normalcy, I went
to the Commissary to pick up some provisions. Water, diet
soda, slim-fast and Healthy Choice meals. I'm nowhere near
ready to even think about vegetarianism or veganism right
now. Baby steps. I picked the girls up from daycare and
fielded a million and a half questions about how I'm
feeling and am I okay and ignored snide remarks about me
being in my pajamas. I even took the girls to the park. As
I was taking Kiki out of the car, I heard a little voice
yell "Kiki, Kiki!" She started giggling and I watched as
she ran away from me, through the grass, being chased by
another little two-year-old named Gabe. The grass was full
of little white daisies and I actually felt myself smile
as I watched Kiki tripping through the daisies. She only
fell down 6 times in 30 minutes. That's progress for her.

Tonight I'll take it easy. After I put the girls to bed
(in about 6 minutes), I'll have one of my meals for
dinner, then I think I'll take some Tylenol and go to bed.
I'm very tired. Maybe if I stop beating myself up I'll
feel better sooner? I think I'll test that theory. Ciao.





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