Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2007-03-15 15:22:09 (UTC)

Tortured Individual, Slipping Into The Abyss

***

It's after 8am, so I don't have much time to write. I just
wanted to jot something down, so no one thinks I've killed
myself. I haven't, I've just been sleeping constantly. Yet
another sign that depression has grabbed ahold of me
again. I can feel myself slipping into the abyss. I don't
like it, but what can I do? I don't even have the drive or
desire to make an appointment with my doctor. That would
require to much effort. Effort I don't have to spare.

The past couple of nights I've been falling asleep on the
couch, only to wake at an ungodly hour or the morning,
then I drag my half-sleepwalking ass off to bed. I don't
know why, but it's easier for me to fall asleep on the
couch than in bed. I'm such a tortured individual. What
the hell is wrong with me? I don't know. Honestly, I don't
care enough to figure it out.

Yesterday, I formally declined the offer of manager. I
don't feel ready for it. It would be too much
responsibility that I'm not mentally prepared to take on.
They're going to hire outside of the company, which isn't
what they wanted to do, but oh well. I have to think about
me. I miffed them off a little, but they'll get over it.
Wouldn't they rather have me in a position where I'm doing
well and exceeding their expectations, than disappointing
them in a position that's way more important than credit?
That's my logic, at least.

Kiki had a better day at therapy. She didn't cry as much
when I left her and when I looked in on her through the
mirrored window, she was actually sitting at circle time.
She wasn't participating, but at least she wasn't off
doing her own thing. She just sat there and looked at
everyone, but she kept her little diapered butt on the
mat, so I consider that a success. I'm grateful for small
things when it comes to her.

Annie got in trouble at daycare yesterday. When I went to
pick her up, there was an incident report in her box.
Apparently she stabbed a kid in the hand with a pencil
during art time. She broke the skin and drew blood. I have
no earthly idea what possessed her to do that, but it
definitely bothered me. Prisoners stab people, not small
children. She came home, did her homework and went to bed
at 7pm. I was livid. Sometimes I don't understand what
goes through her head.

I need to go. I have to drop off the girls in 40 minutes
(I'm still not dressed), then go to work for an on-call I
was desperately hoping I wouldn't have to work, but then
again, I've never been able to NOT work an on-call. They
might as well have just scheduled me for 25 hours this
week, because that's what I'm going to end up working.
Ciao until later.




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