Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Wow, This Is Long
****
Somehow, having things organized at home, made structure
spill into the other areas of my life. I felt less
frazzled today and more controlled. Less like I was on the
verge of tipping head first into a nervous breakdown. It
may sound overly dramatic, but I shit you not. I feel way
better today.
This morning was Kiki's first day of early intervention
preschool at Holly Ridge. Already I miss the one-on-one
sessions she had with Debbie. Debbie is still there, but
now so are 3 other therapists and 7 other kids. All at
differing levels of ability. They're all ahead of Kiki
language-wise, but a couple of the other kids have hearing
or physical issues. One little boy is hard of hearing and
another isn't able to walk without a walker. It's actually
kind of cute. It looks like the kind an older person would
use, but it's only about a foot and a half tall. His name
is Elvis and he's got a lot of personality.
Kiki had a really hard time adjusting to the structure of
things. It was like she was having an hour and a half long
temper tantrum. She didn't want to sit when everyone else
did, she didn't want to read, or sign or jump or anything,
basically. Whatever they were doing, she wanted to do the
opposite. The therapists said to just let her go, she
needed to get comfortable, but I felt like I should have
been doing something about it. All the other kids were
sitting on their little mats and Kiki then decided to jump
on the trampoline (well, she didn't really jump, but she
kind of bounced without leaving the surface of the mat). I
was NOT prepared for her response to the other kids. I
don't stick around to watch her at daycare. I drop her off
and go, so I had no idea how deeply her social skills were
in need of help. She doesn't play with other kids AT ALL.
It's almost like they're not there. They talk to her and
she ignores them or walks away. If someone comes over to
play with her, she gets up and leaves. At one point she
put herself in time out and stood in the corner with her
nose to the wall, just to get away from the other kids. I
wanted to cry for her. It must be hard to feel that way.
I'm shy at times, but that looked painful.
After having time to reflect on Kiki's behavior in
therapy, I came to a revelation. She isn't the only one! I
mean, I knew this logically, but sometimes as a parent you
can't help but feel like you did something wrong to make
your child this way. I keep thinking it had something to
do with the cigarettes I smoked before I knew I was
pregnant, or the time I painted the bathroom at 8 months.
Stupid things like that go through your head. It just
happens. Sometimes it's genetically destined to happen and
sometimes in environment, but either way, I didn't do
anything wrong. There are other children just like her or
worse off and eventually things will work out for her.
She's going to be okay, because we got her help early on.
Work was better today. It wasn't nearly as warm outside,
so the mall wasn't sweltering. Not that 78 degrees is so
horrible (that's what the temp was in the store
yesterday), but it's a little much when you aren't
expecting it and are dressed in a long sleeved black
sweater and black pants. Just to be on the safe side, I
wore a t-shirt, but it was fine. It was slow for the most
part, so we did some light cleaning. Tables, displays,
straightening drawer bases, that kind of thing. Laid back
and easy. I did get a little scare, though. I checked the
schedule, like I usually do in a Wednesday and was shocked
to see that I only have 8 hours next week. I didn't say
anything about it, I was just a little surprised.
Considering I've averaged 25 hours for over the past month
and a half. So, I went back out on the floor and about an
hour later when I left to take my break, Kim said over the
headset "Jennifer, after that customer I need to see you
in the office to talk about your schedule". That just
didn't sound good. But, I did as I was told, expecting the
worst and hoping for the best. Turns out, the company cut
44 hours from payroll next week and there's new hires that
need to be trained and a couple days of brand guide. All
add up to hour shortages. Since I'm basically one of the
only ones there that doesn't NEED the job to survive or
finish college, she figured I'd understand. And I do. I
could use the break anyway. She even told me she would
make me a co-manager if she had the authority and the
available position. That was definitely an honor, but I
don't think I want the responsibility...at least not yet!
Annie was kind enough to remind me that her school was
having a McTakeover tonight at the Kitsap Way McDonald's.
That's where the teachers and principal work at a local
McDonald's to raise money for the school. I don't know why
I didn't think this through more thoroughly before I said
yes, but dumb me said yes. The place was insane. It was
like all of Kitsap Lake Elementary was crammed into this
one McDonald's. There was no parking, no tables, no
walking room and it smelled like hundreds of stinky,
sweaty, prepubescent (and not so PRE, maybe even POST-
pubescent) children. I couldn't decide if I should run,
hide, or gag in the corner on the bench shaped like Ronald
McDonald. So, I chose number 3, but tried to suppress the
gag. I managed to hold out for an hour, but that was my
limit. I did my motherly duties.
Aqua seems to be hanging in there. He made it through the
night and today. He was still swimming when we got home.
Snookums did some research on Black Moors and it turns out
Aqua will get to be about 6-8 inches long and may live
between 8-25 years! I though I was getting a goldfish, not
another lifelong pet! I give him a week nonetheless. Annie
will find a way to kill him long before his time is up.
Saturday will be the end of the two weeks Snookums has
given me to smoke. Yes, I'm still doing it. I don't know,
it's just something to do. Actually, I'm snacking less,
which is an unfortunate benefit. Eat less, kill yourself
faster! I know all the good reasons to not smoke. I just
don't care about myself enough for them to be good enough
reasons. "It'll kill you" people always say. Oh really?
Will it kill me faster than waiting to die? I'll take it!
How can you reason with a mentality like that? So, when
Saturday gets here, I'll re-evaluate how I feel about it.
Stop or don't stop, that is the question. There is no
addiction factor for me, either. I can stop on a dime.
It's just a matter of whether I want to or not.
Well, the house is in tip-top shape, I have nothing to do.
So, I've lit my candles and I'm relaxing. I did finally
get my package from VS.com, so I get to play dress-up in
my Dolce & Gabbana swimsuit and all my other goodies! I'm
such a happy camper. Wow, this is long. I guess I had a
lot to say today. But, I'm done now. Ciao until tomorrow!
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