Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Now What?
**
It's after noon. I just dragged my sorry ass out of bed
and all I can think of is "now what"? I don't know what to
do with myself. I SHOULD clean my filthy house, but
getting myself motivated and engaged in the task is next
to impossible. I can't stay focused long enough to finish
anything. Nothing really matters. Not really.
I went to bed early last night so I wouldn't have to think
about Jeremy fucking someone else. Like it really matters?
Why do I even give a shit? He's not my
boyfriend/husband/significant other. He's just a guy I'm
mildly attracted to and THOUGHT I had wrapped around my
little finger. Apparently not. We live close enough to be
accessible to one another, but far enough away to be
inconvenient. So, of course he's going to find someone
that can come to him. Seattle's a big city and I'm tied
down by two kids I can't leave home alone. He says this
doesn't change how he feels about me, but it definitely
changes how I feel. I don't think I like how I'm feeling
right now. Bitter would be the best choice of words. I'm
more irritated by the fact that he's getting some and I'm
not. I'm stuck in a sexual stalemate and there really
isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I want to fuck the
first guy I come across, but I'm still torn between
loyalty to Snookums and my desire to make myself "happy".
I put happy in quotations because I realize that more than
likely it isn't going to make me happy. Probably all I'm
going to get out of it is temporary physical pleasure (if
I'm lucky) and a lifetime of mental strife and heartache
for what I did to my loving husband. Or my lack of morals
will let me feel nothing, like it has about a lot of other
things I've done in my life. We won't get into those
things today. That's a whole 'nother entry.
So, I'm back to the question I started with: now what?
Crawl back in bed, or clean? My life is such a mess. Ciao.
Ad: