Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Fly Larva and A Cigarette Butt
****
I've come to both look forward to and to dread weekends.
On the upside, the weekend presents me with two whole days
to do with however I choose. I get to do nothing! On the
downside, it presents me with two whole days to do with
however I choose. I usually end up doing nothing. I sit
around the house, in my pajamas, with my hair sticking up,
depressed. About what? I don't know. Usually I just
marinate in my own slothfulness. I wonder why I can't
muster the energy (or simple desire) to get up, get
dressed and just DO SOMETHING! I have all these good
intentions, like taking the girls to the park (then it
rains) or going to the gym (why bother). I have projects I
could be working on (never did finish those scrapbooks for
the grandmothers or that scarf for Annie), but nothing
sounds fun or interesting. I just want to lay in bed and
sleep, which isn't always possible or healthy. All I did
today was lay in bed and watch Court TV. Episode after
episode of LA Forensics, The Investigators and one episode
of COPS (the trailer trash of law enforcement tv shows).
After 12 hours of that, I think I could solve a murder
with fly larva and a cigarette butt. Kiki sat with me and
ate Wheat Thins, drank diet cranberry juice and played
with blocks. Annie did her own thing. Read books, watched
tv, colored, played in her room. Occasionally she'd come
hang out with Kiki and I, but not much.
During commercials, I did manage to get the girls' and our
laundry done. Snookums had duty today (as if you couldn't
tell). I've got one more load to finish before it's
finished. That's not happening tonight. I just feel so
pathetic. Do you ever have that feeling? Like nothing is
worth doing? Like, if no one expects anything from you,
you can't expect anything from yourself? I didn't always
feel this way. Getting up and getting dressed in the
morning wasn't an option, it was just something you did.
Now, I can't even bring myself to do that much. Snookums
doesn't expect much from me. The girls don't know to
expect more from me. I don't know enough people to have a
real support system. All I've got is Gen and she's got a
life. I don't want her badgering me to get up, anyway (no
offense, Gen). I suck. Let's just leave it at that.
I've already been thinking about what I'm going to do once
Snookums leaves. Routine will be the name of the game. I'm
going to get into a routine that doesn't allow me time to
be depressed, lethargic, pathetic or any of the other
negative emotions that I feel when I slow down. The only
problem I can forsee is burn-out. I don't want to keep
myself so busy that I have a nervous breakdown, but if I
have a ton of time on my hands, I'm going to dwell on the
fact that Snookums is gone (and will be gone for a very
long time) and is in Iraq (of all places). He won't be in
immediate danger, but his safety can't be guaranteed,
either. Tomorrow he's going to Navy Legal to finalize his
will. That's a sobering thought. My happy-go-lucky husband
had the forsight to think of a will. That's enough about
that.
I'm going back to bed. Tomorrow, I'm getting up, going to
the gym and I'm going to have a great day. Self-fulfilling
prophecy, right? What you will into being will be...Ciao.
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