Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Seeing The Small Is Called Clarity
***
I blazed through my evening duties (feeding, cleaning and
doing homework with children, getting them off to bed,
picking up kiddy-clutter, etc) because I feel so drained
and I want time to rest, not necessarily to sleep. I'm
tired. Not so much physically tired, more so mentally. My
head feels like it's going to pop like a balloon with too
much air in it. I've had a headache most of the day. Other
than that, my day was fine. But when you don't feel 100%,
the day doesn't feel like it's so great.
Last night, I dutifully watched the entire hour of the
Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Other than making me feel
very jealous (of the supermodels' beautiful bodies),
interested in taking up tanning and even more motivated to
lose 20 more pounds, it wasn't really very interesting. I
think the company anticipated much higher sales today
because of the show last night, because our segment goals
were through the roof. We didn't make a single segment,
because they set our sales goals so high. We didn't do
badly, we just weren't in the green. The hot pink lip
gloss they gave us for the gift with purchase was so ugly,
we literally couldn't give it away. I actually had people
turn it down, because they didn't have anyone to give it
to. I can't blame them. Hot pink went out with big hair,
leg warmers and stretch pants with stirrups. But, those
things are coming back, so hot pink lip gloss might come
back with them! God, I hope not.
I did a light workout at the gym this morning. With
Snookums home, trying to lose weight is hopeless, so I'm
basically maintaining. I have women (clients) at work
comment on how skinny I am and how I couldn't possibly
understand their issues with sizes and I almost want to
laugh. I'm still that same obese girl I was a year ago.
When I look in the mirror I see size 18 me. Not size 6 me.
I'm still having trouble accepting myself. I buy things
too big constantly, I compare myself to other women all
the time. This job has helped my self confidence a great
deal, but it's still a long process. I want to look like a
VS supermodel, but I know that will never happen. It would
just be nice to know I was the best me possible and at
this point, I don't feel than I'm there yet.
I bought my Dad's birthday present today. Dad and Snookums
have the same birthday (isn't that crazy? I married a guy
with the same birthday as my father)! Dad will be 50,
Snookums will be 30. I bought Dad a nice painting with a
quote from Lao Tsu:
Seeing the small is called Clarity.
Keeping flexible is called Strength.
Using the shining Radiance
you enter the Light,
where no harm can come to you.
This is called Enlightenment
Then on the bottom of the picture it's got ENLIGHTENMENT
and the symbol for it (in what language, I have no idea).
I think he'll love it. I got him a really sweet card.
Snookums wants a Play Station Portable with all the
attachments, so that will be his birthday and Christmas
present. Dad is so much more simpler and spiritual than
Snookums. Snookie is very worldly. I accept that about
him.
Speaking of Snookums, I talked to him about the sex thing
last night. Once I explained to him that the way he
treated me reminded me of when I didn't have a say in
whether or not I had sex (i.e my stepfather). He was
instantly apologetic. He held me very close to him,
tightly and apologized for making me feel that way. He
hadn't thought about it from my perspective. The
perspective of a person that had been victimized before.
Not that that makes all that much difference. No woman
wants to be put in that situation, but for me (and others
like me) it brings back emotions that are better left in
the past. I never want to feel that way again. He'll think
twice before he does something of that nature now. I
realize he was just trying to demonstrate his sexual
prowess, but it wasn't okay. I'm permanently damaged by
what happened to me growing up and it will affect me
always.
Okay, I'm going to my room now. I bought a big book of
crossword puzzles on sale at Barnes and Noble today and
I'm really looking forward to getting into it. I figure,
they're an easy way to relax and keep up my gifted IQ at
the same time! Ciao.
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