Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-11-10 06:28:19 (UTC)

Pandora's Happy Trifecta

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"Can the mind even see the mind? We have to answer yes and
no. No, because the mind can't be a subject and object at
the same time. The mind interferes, whether it wants to or
not, whether it knows it or not, in all that it observes;
and with all the more reason when it is a question of
itself. But the mind cannot see itself completely.
Nowever, the principal tool for purifying the mind is the
mind itself. The mind is its own creator, at every
instant. Hence its responsibility, which is essential."

I'm so tired. I think spending the entire day with Kiki
(even though she's a good baby) has taken a little bit out
of me. Yesterday, after having the resurfacing of Kiki's
illness streak sneak up on me, I made the decision that
Kiki is going to spend as little time at daycare as
possible. Saturday a new family friendly gym is opening on
base and she'll go with me there so I can still get my
workouts in. Daycare will be saved for when I'm at work
only. 20 hours a week or less (since that's how many hours
I have next week). The hope is that the minimized time at
daycare will prevent her from picking up all the nasty
germs her immune system can't seem to handle.

Today was really fun. Gen, Kiki and I went to Starbucks
and met a Newfoundland named Amy. Amy was so sweet and
patient with Kiki and this other little girl it was lovely
to see. Gen and I went shopping at Ross, had a late lunch
and strolled around the mall. It was entertaining and Kiki
was so good. She is such a sweet little girl that you
can't help but be happy in her presence and the surprising
affect she's having on me is that interacting with her is
making me more patient with Annie. I'm slower to anger and
more ready to listen. This arrangement is probably better
for all of us. I'm just so pleased that instead of being
frustrated and feeling trapped because I'm with Kiki all
the time, I don't feel that way because I still have
what's important to me. I've got the gym, work AND my
kids. The happy trifecta (but not in that order, so I
guess it wouldn't be a trifecta, but you get my drift).

I opened Pandora's Box tonight and I have NO fucking idea
what possessed me to do it, why I didn't think it through
or what kept me from doing it sooner. I CALLED MY
GRANDPARENTS! My mom's mom! We only talked for about 10
minutes, but it was so nice hearing her soft southern
voice again. I asked her if she'd spoken to my mom
recently and she said..."I spoke with her yesterday." My
jaw nearly dropped. All this time my mom's been in contact
with her and I've been wondering about her. All I had to
do was call my grandparents. Of course the entire
situation isn't that simple. After all the shit that hit
the fan I didn't know how my grandparents felt about me. I
didn't know who's side they were on or what they'd say to
me if I called. I needed time to grow up and be on my own
for awhile and I don't think that would have happened if I
hadn't had the past 3 years to work on myself. Maybe
everything will work out for the best. I don't know. One
step at a time. We'll see what comes of this.

I'm going to bed now. I'm so sleepy, my eyes hurt. Ciao.




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