Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Supplemental Meanderings Of My Mind
Even though I wrote earlier, with the intent to NOT write
now, I'm still writing. Mostly because Snookums is
watching Monday Night Football and I've finished all of my
Mother-in-law preparations. Thankfully, she never stays
with us. Instead, opting for a room in the Comfort Inn at
the bottom of the hill. Which is fine with me. I like
Helena very much, but sometimes you just need your space.
Sue can't afford to stay in a hotel, so she takes over
Annie's room when she comes. Visits from Helena are nice,
visits from Sue can never end soon enough. Thanksgiving
drags by every year, but what can I do? She's also my
Mother-in-law, and even though I don't like her as much, I
still have to deal with her. Why am I telling you this? I
need to find something else to do. I've got at least three
abandoned projects I could be working on. 1) The scarf I
started for Annie, but never finished. 2) My painting. 3)
The scrapbooks for the grandmothers I bought all the
materials for in September, but still haven't started. All
I managed to do was print out the pictures. I don't feel
like doing any of those things right now, though. So I
won't.
Gen and I had a conversation last night that has been
weighing on my mind since then. I won't get into the
entire conversation, because our exchanges don't always
make sense to outsiders, so I'll just get to the part
that's weighing on me. The part about me not being a
particularly good mother. I agree. I'm not a great mother.
I'm selfish, self-centered, self-serving and insensitive
at times. I don't always think of my children first, I
don't always give them the attention they need, I don't
always have the patience I should or the interest in them
that I should. Honestly, I feel like I was forced into
motherhood (a job I NEVER wanted) and now there's no going
back. Annie was an unpleasant accident, Kiki was "what the
hell? I've already got one" and if I have a third, they
will end up being my redemption. Each year that goes by,
I'm able to warm up to these little people a little more,
but it isn't easy. I wasn't given the tools of motherhood
(by example). I was taught how to be distant, cold and
calculating. I wasn't held or kissed or hugged. I was
beaten, then ignored and insulted. Nothing was done for
me, everything came with great difficulty. My only goal as
a parent was to be better than my mom and not hurt my
children in the horrible ways that I was hurt. And I
haven't. But that doesn't make me a GOOD mother, it just
makes me an OKAY mother. I'm not going to win any awards,
but child protective services doesn't need to be called.
Okay, those are two extremes, but you know what I mean!
The thing is, I don't even WISH I was a better mother. I
don't want to be a better mother. I just want my children
to grow up happy. Better than just okay, because as Gen
said "You're okay and you had a horrible childhood". But
okay sucks. Okay is empty. Happy is so much better. Happy
doesn't cry when no one is listening. Ciao.
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