Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-09-23 04:05:43 (UTC)

How Unfortunate

****

"If you are the sort of person who speaks nicely in front
of others but says nasty things about them behind their
backs, of course nobody will like you."

And this from the Dalai Lama. So simple, yet so profound.
Why does it take a revered spiritual leader to say these
simple/no-brainer/golden rule type things before people
get them? Who am I to judge? I'm just as retarded at times.

I'm pretty sure I had things to write about, but I'm
coming up with a blank now that I'm sitting here in front
of the computer. Don't you hate that? It's like forgeting
what you were saying in the middle of the conversation. Or
not being able to remember the name of a song. It's
irritating. Give me a moment to recollect my day......

Okay, all better.

I worked out alone this morning. I spent most of the time
in thought. My mother and stepfather have been on my mind
heavily the past week or so. I keep wondering what is
preventing my mother from contacting me. Whenever I think
about someone enough, they magically call me (almost like
I willed them to do it just by bringing them to mind).
But, this isn't working with her. She's not responding. My
stepfather's child support payment has done me more harm
than good. It's $25. About what I spend on Annie's candy
supply per month. Enough to buy her school lunch for 10
days. Or maybe a new pair of shoes (if they aren't
designer). Hardly worth enough to constantly remind me of
him.

After the gym, Gen, Sam and I met up at the Starbucks in
Poulsbo. Not our usual hang-out, but Gen had to work and
the Poulsbo Starbucks made more logistical sense for her.
I'm really grateful to have their adult interaction. If it
weren't for them, I'd only speak to children and as much
as I love them, I need adult time too. Annie and Kiki
aren't interested in chatting over coffee anyway! Speaking
of coffee. I think I'm developing a dependence on
caffeine, because I've been wanting coffee a lot lately.
I'm still within the healthy limits, but I don't usually
desire coffee. I'll have to curb this habit before it
starts. No more pumpkin spice soy lattes for me! At least,
not as often.

After Starbucks I was left to my own devices. I decided to
take a field trip to Bangor. I'm not entirely sure why,
but I just felt the need. Psychotic me decided to drive
past our old house in West Family Housing area, just for
old time's sake. It looked much different, of course
because other people live there now, but mom's fancy hose
holder had been left behind. It had been very securely
bolted to the stud and I knew when they put it up it would
be impossible to take down. That was an interesting
memory. I suppose.

The area has changed quite a bit since I was there last.
They tore down all the old houses and apartments and have
since built the most lovely houses in their place. If we
could get one of those houses, I'd take it in a heartbeat.
We're planning on getting on the housing list simply
because our family is getting bigger (and more rowdy) and
we just need more space. Housing is the best deal as far
as finances go.

The new Exchange they built last year is nice, but not as
spectacular as I'd anticipated. The only good thing I
really have to say about it is that it has a very
respectable-sized COACH section. Bigger than Macy's and
has a different selection of purses, too. They even have
them out from under glass, so you can try them on without
a sales associate hovering over you. I definitely know
where I'm getting my next bag from! Snookums is in a world
of trouble now!

I resisted the urge to buy a new purse and instead headed
to the Trident Lakes. Bangor's man-made lakes and
recreation area. Annie and I spent lots of time there (it
has a nice playground Annie loved as a toddler). I miss
those days in a weird sort of way. I walked through the
woods and along the lakes' edge and remembered those days.
I miss the closeness Annie and I had, but I DON'T miss the
pain and suffering I endured in my parent's home. I have a
lot of bittersweet memories about those first few years of
Annie's life.

Annie is having a hard time dealing with the knowledge of
who her father is. She and I had a discussion about it
MONTHS ago, but she's just lately been bringing it back
up. Yesterday she asked me if I knew where her father was.
Because I never lie to her about anything of grave
importance, I told her I did, because I do. She then asked
why he wasn't in her life. I explained that he had done
some bad things and couldn't be around us or children in
general. She accepted that, but I can tell she's got more
to ask. Today she got an e-mail from Snookums and when I
told her she'd gotten a letter from her dad, she asked if
it was from her real dad or her stepdad. That was like a
knife through my heart. Here is this man that loves this
little girl like his own flesh and blood child, has since
she was 3 years old, would do anything for her, but she
consider's an ex-convict sex offender as her "real" father
and Snookums is only a "step". I know she's too young to
understand, but I don't want Snookums to be hurt by her
feelings. I understand how Annie feels, but Snookums is
her "real" dad. My stepfather (whom I've decided to call
by his name, becuase he is no longer any type of father-
figure to me)was just an unfortunate sperm donor, who is
only paying the meger amount of child support he is,
because the state is making him. I honestly don't think he
cares all that much about her. I'll never know, because I
don't care to find out. Ken is not a terrible person, he
and I just have nothing left to communicate about. Annie
is more than welcome to find him when she's of age. Until
then, Snookums and I will do our best to love and protect
her and as she grows, explain all we can about my past,
her past and what's happened to our family. This is so
hard.

On a lighter note. The girls and I went to the park this
afternoon, because it was such a nice day. I love watching
them play. I wish I enjoyed playing that much myself, but
I'm getting older and less easy to please. How
unfortunate.

I think I'll close for the night. Gen and Sam are coming
over to hang out! I still haven't eaten dinner, yet. So
I'd better do that. Ciao.




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