Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-09-15 06:27:13 (UTC)

Breech Of My Emotional Armor

***

"Just as rust, which arose from the iron itself, wears out
the iron, likewise, performing an action without
examination would destroy us by projecting us into a
negative state of existence."

My day started out good enough, but has slowly slid
downhill since around 3pm. I can't put my finger on what
made it go down hill, but my inclination is to blame it on
loneliness. I was okay until Gen went home to Sam and I
was left alone. We did our workout at the gym, went to
Starbucks and spent a good hour and a half just talking.
About our past. How we became friend. Reminiscing about or
days at Ross and the people we've since lost contact with.
It was great. After that, we walked around Ross (ironic,
huh?) and then parted ways after that. I was feeling
pretty good at that point, but I wasn't ready to go home
yet.

I've been really good about shopping lately and I'll
continue to be good, but I had to have a moment of
weakness. At Ross Gen pointed out a really pretty satin
dress that I know Snookums will love (it fits really well
now, but there's a little room for improvement around the
hips and tummy, which will keep me motivated over the next
month) and I got Zeus some new food and water bowls. I
went to Costco, because I haven't been there in awhile and
found the girls the cutest matching dresses. I got
Snookums and I some pajamas (because they were such a good
deal) and that's it. Oh, and I went to Target to get the
girls shoes and tights for their dresses. They're brown
tweed with pink trim and have a long-sleeved pink blouse
underneath. I bought them both matching pink cotton tights
and brown mary-janes. I think I'll get their portraits
done and then they can wear the outfit again when Daddy
comes home. That's all the shopping I did. Nothing too
expensive. I will be buying new tennis shoes either
tomorrow or next week, because my current tennis shoes
have seen many better days. I've been working out in them
daily for the past nine months. I think I'm due for an
upgrade. I'll do the fun-run in them tomorrow, then
they're being retired (to the garbage can)!

I got a letter from Triwest today. I was suppose to be
given a civilian practitioner to do the genetic testing
for early onset breast cancer genes, but instead I was
sent a notice telling me that I'm not a high enough risk,
so Tricare isn't going to cover it. If I still want the
testing, I'll have to pay for it myself. Since it wasn't
my idea and I've lived this long without knowing, I have
no intention of pursuing this. I just think it's wrong the
way they're so willing to dismiss people because I'm not
dying right before their eyes. The letter stated that
they'd only cover it if I were pregnant (looking for
predisposition to genetic abnormalities that may run in a
person's family) or a higher cancer risk. How much higher
do I have to be? I don't know, but I'll continue on as I
have for the past 24 years. If I get it, I get it. If I
don't, then I'll consider myself lucky.

There has been a breech of my emotional armor on my way
home this afternoon. I had the girls in the car, they were
chattering away in the back seat. I decided I didn't want
to listen to the usual radio station I almost always
listen to. Mostly because it was a little too upbeat for
my mood. So, I changed it to WARM 106.9, which is slower,
more mellow. John Mayer weakened my resolve to be strong
and made me ALMOST cry.

"Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too...

On behalf of every man
Looking after every girl
You are guarding the weight of the world..."

I suppose you'd have to hear the entire song to
understand, but it really made me miss Snookums, because
he's been such a good Daddy. Not just lately, but since
we've been together, although moreso this past year and a
half (since Kiki was born). I think he's starting to come
into his own as a parent. It's a beautiful thing watching
him interact with the girls. I miss him more for them than
I even do for myself. Annie understands why Daddy has to
go, but it still isn't easy for her. Kiki doesn't
understand at all and asked for him several times today.
All I could do was show her his picture. Which, she
pointed at in recognition and asked me for him again. It's
so hard. Kiki isn't good at communicating yet, but she's
very clear when she askes for Dada. This is what breeched
my armor. Since the drive home I've been on the verge of
tears. I need to go to bed, it's after 11pm, but I don't
want to go to bed. I need to turn this around before it
gets a grip on me. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, JENNIFER!!!!!!

Okay, I'm going to bed now, because I have my run tomorrow
and I really want to do well. I'm going to buy my new
tennis shoes tomorrow, so I can start next week on a new
foot (pardon the pun) and I'm going to get the house
cleaned up, so the girls and I can do something this
weekend. That's the plan. If I've got a plan, then I won't
end up moping in bed. Okay, goodnight and Ciao.




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