Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-09-06 04:15:30 (UTC)

Endometriosis Or Ovarian Cysts

**

"The three physical nonvirtues are killing, stealing, and
sexual misconduct.

The four verbal nonvirtues are lying, divisiveness, harsh
speech, and senseless speech.

The three mental nonvirtues are covetousness, harmful
intent, and wrong view."

I've done 9 out of 10. I'm not sure what he means by
sexual misconduct, but I'm sure I've done it, so I'm
counting it against myself. The good thing is, I haven't
committed any of these nonvirtues in a long time. No, let
me correct myself. I haven't committed 9 out of 10. I
spoke harshly yesterday. Damn, and I was doing so well.

You know how they say "God never gives you more than you
can handle?" Well, I don't believe in God, so who the hell
is giving me more than I can handle!? If it's not one
thing, it's another, and quite frankly, I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of not feeling well (mentally or physically).
I'm tired of being on edge all the time. I'm tired of
spending so much time at Naval Hospital. I'm just sick and
tired of being sick and tired! I want to be the same old
healthy Jennifer I was this time last year. It's like I
lost 80 pounds and became frail. Maybe the fat was holding
my body together and now there's nothing keeping me from
falling apart. Isn't that sad? I was healthier fat than I
am thin.

So, I went to see Dr. Stackhouse for my pap smear today,
as I shared before. He was actually very nice (one fear
conquered). A soft spoken, little man that reminded me a
lot of Mr. Rogers. No, I didn't tell him that. He listened
very intently to what I had to say. He didn't give too
much feedback, but my superb intuition told me he was
thinking. Boy, was he ever. To make a long story short. I
might have either a wicked hormonal imbalance,
endometriosis, or ovarian cysts. I've got an ultrasound
scheduled for October 3 to rule out the cysts. There isn't
much they can do for the endometriosis, unless the growths
are big, then they'll surgically remove them, but I don't
think I have that. Or, at least I'm hoping I don't. My
breast exam wasn't much more fun. Apparently, my breast
tissue is very granular, which makes it more susceptible
to developing tumors and masses. Because my mother had
breast cancer so young (and I've got this predisposed
breast tissue), I'm being sent to Madigan to be
genetically tested for the gene mutation that causes early
onset breast cancer. Fun, huh?! Of course, Snookums will
be out to sea for all of this fun and I'll be left to deal
with everything on my own. But, it's like someone always
says, whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! I'm
going to be able to eat nails here pretty soon.

I'd love to write more, but I'm really exhausted. I've
been dragging my ass all day, so I might as well drag it
one more time to bed. Ciao and goodnight.




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