Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Broken Girl-Parts and Prehensile Toes
*****
"To overcome attachment we should meditate on the ugliness
of what attracts us. The antidote to pride is meditation
on the aggregates. To counteract ignorance we should
concentrate on the movement of the breath and on
interdependence.
The root of the mind's turmoil is, in fact, ignorance on
account of which we fail to understand the true nature of
things. The mind is brought under control by purifying our
mistaken notion of reality."
I've got myself a big mug of Constant Comment tea. I'm
comfortable and content. I'm not hungry, tired, sad,
irritable or in pain. I'd have to say I'm feeling pretty
damn good right about now. I just thought I'd share...
What a good day I had. I woke up this morning sore. Not
sore for any bad reason, but sore because I slept so long,
so hard and so deep that I didn't move from my assumed
position for 9 hours, which resulted in some stiff
muscles. But, when normally I have to fight for sleep and
inevitable end up waiting for morning to come, I'll take
some stiff muscles any day!
I spent about an hour paying bills and balancing my
checkbook (which wasn't fun, but needed to be done). Since
I've curbed Snookums constant trips out to eat, there was
actually money left over to go out to eat! That didn't
make sense, but you'd have to understand the way Snookums
eats to fully get it. We usually have lots of spending
money, more than most families our size (because I've
tried to make our cost of living as low as possible. One
car payment instead of two. A condo, instead of a house.
Buy only what I can pay for with cash, no charging or
store credit cards. It all adds up), but Snookums is the
type that likes to eat out 3 meals a day if I let him. For
awhile he was and he completely drained our bank account.
So, I put my foot down a couple of weeks ago and now we're
back in good shape. I hate saying he can't spend his own
money, but if I hadn't stopped him, our car would be
repossessed and we'd be living in a cardboard box under
the Warren Ave Bridge! Well, HE'D be living under a
bridge. The girls and I would go stay with my Dad. Anyhow,
getting back into financial control made me feel good,
too. I hate having to watch what I spend, but that doesn't
mean I have any desire to go shopping. I'm being a good
girl!
Snookums and I wanted to do something with the girls today
and one of Annie's favorite places is the Chinese Buffet
(I know, more of the eating out, but the Chinese Buffet is
cheap! All 4 of us at for $20. You can't beat that!) So,
we ate there, then went to the Port Orchard Waterfront
playground. The Soroptimists built the most wonderful park
down there, not even a quarter mile from our house. The
girls are in love with. It's even fun for the parents.
After the park, we came home and the girls watched
football with Daddy until bedtime. It was a really great
Labor Day, even if we didn't have big plans.
I feel really proud of myself. I thought when we decided
to eat at the Chinese Buffet it would be really hard
to avoid all the usual foods I used to eat there, but
actually it wasn't hard at all. I had the vegetarian
spring rolls, vegetable fried rice, fruit and diet coke. I
ate two plates instead of one, but only half the calories
I normally eat there. So, I'm pleased. I'm feeling so
healthy and light. My tummy is much more happy (no
bloating, gas or constipation). FINALLY, the pain is gone,
and I didn't have to resort to the Zelnorm. I want to get
off prescription drugs, not add another to my medical
resume.
Tomorrow I have an appointment to see the gynecologist. It
isn't my usual female doctor, but a man that I've never
met before, so I'm a little apprehensive. I'm trying not
to mirror my dislike for one man onto the entire male
population, but it's hard. There have only been 3 men
close to me in my life that haven't caused me harm in some
way. That is a horrible track record considering how many
men have come and gone in my life, so I have trouble
trusting men enough to let them in close proximity of me.
In a way, I'm looking forward to this appointment of
several reasons. The first one being I'll be one step
closer to conquering my "man-fear", I'll get to find out
if I'm a good candidate for the Mirena IUD, I'll be able
to find out if my uterus is healed and I can get a few
questions answered. Lately my girl-parts have been broken.
I don't know how else to put it. I've been having a
constant low abdominal ache that really doesn't go away
and worsens if I move wrong. It isn't excruciating, just a
dull ache, but it's there. I have a hard spot in my lower
abdomen, which I hadn't noticed before, maybe it's my
imagination. I've missed yet another period, which could
be due to the miscarriage...and the worst thing of all.
SEX HURTS! Snookums hasn't been seeing much action,
because I just can't do it. Every position hurts, like I'm
being internally stabbed. I try to soldier through it, but
it's just too painful and I know it'll ruin my already
tenuous relationship with intercourse if I think It'll
hurt everytime. Snookums can feel me tense up to endure
the agony, anyway. So, it's not like I can hide it from
him. He won't even touch me now, for fear of hurting me
and that makes me feel bad. I don't want to appear fragile
in his eyes. None of this is affecting my daily life in
any drastic way, it's just sitting in the back of my head,
making me say "hmm?" But, that's enough about my girl-
parts.
I need to paint my nails. This week I'm going with red.
Red looks so good on my prehensile toes! At, least that's
what Snookums says! Ciao.
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