Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-08-22 04:50:23 (UTC)

Everything Nasty

****

"One should enter or perform spiritual practice with a
motivation similar to the motivation and attitude of a
child who is fully absorbed in sports or play. A child
fully engrossed in play gets so delighted with it that the
child never feels satisfied - such should be your mental
attitude in making effort in Dharma practice."

I'm disappointed in myself. I set out with a plan for the
day. I had 10 things to do and I only finished one of
them. That would be the gym. I felt happy enough,
emotionally, but getting myself motivated to do my chores
just wasn't happening. I took a nap, watched tv, surfed
the net, watched more tv, ate rice cakes while watching
tv. It was a totally non-productive day. I'm not happy
with myself at all. Tomorrow will be better.

I'm so lonely. Because I'm not feeling as depressed as I
normally feel, it's making me want to talk to and be
around other people, but everyone is doing their own
thing. So, I'm alone. Snookums is in Michigan visiting his
Dad and Stepmom, Gen's husband's ship came back last week,
so she's with him and Dad is visiting his girlfriend in
Texas. So, no one to talk to, no one to spend time with.
Annie and Kiki are good company for a little while, but
then they get cranky and it's hard to hold an intelligent
conversation about anything when neither one of them has
an attention span longer than 3 minutes. We did go to the
park and they had a great time together. Annie threw a
stick on the ground for an hour (making it very hard to
tell she's a brilliant child) and Kiki wandered around a
field putting everything nasty she could find in her mouth
(dog poop, cigarette butts, pieces of wood, garbage,
leaves, etc.) and relishing in the ability to walk. It
made me kind of miss Snookums, because I know he would
have loved to be sitting on that bench with me, watching
our babies explore their world. I only wish I still had a
fraction of their wonder and amazement at how things work.
I'm so jaded.

Vegetarianism isn't hard. Well, let me rephrase that:
Vegetarianism isn't hard - for me. Nothing was different
about my day. Mostly because on most days, I don't eat
meat. Unless I cook, we go out to dinner or I'm binging on
a medium Hawaiian pizza, I don't eat a lot of meat
normally. So, I didn't even think about it much. I do know
for a fact that I could never go vegan. It's too hard to
keep from eating all animal by-products. Things you
wouldn't know have animal by-products in them actually do.
I need to go grocery shopping for more vegetarian
appropriate foods. Tonight, I had oriental flavored Ramen
noodles for dinner, which don't say they have any meat in
them, but the flavor packet has beef extract in it. What
the hell is beef extract and how do you make that? Is it a
form of beef stock or broth? How do you extract it from
beef? I don't know, but it was one of those things I
didn't want to eat, but since I'm all out of fruit, I had
to eat something, so I did. I almost feel guilty about it,
but it's still within the vegetarian guildlines, just not
the vegan rules. This is how I know I can't go that route.
My conscience would like to, but I think my logical mind
would protest heavily.

I think I'll go to bed now. My house needs to be cleaned
and I REALLY want to get it done, but not now. I don't
feel like it. Who cleans in the middle of the night, but
me? I think I'll retire to my bedroom, which ironically
enough, is the only room in the house I finished cleaning
today. Tomorrow is another day. I'll try again. Ciao.




Ad: