Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
I'm A Lost Cause
**
"The advantage of relying on a spiritual teacher is that
if you have accumulated an action that would project you
into a negative state of existence, the result of that
could be experienced just in this life in the form of
minor sufferings or minor problems, or even experiencing
the result in a dream and through that way one could
destroy the destructive result of negative actions."
I'm a lost cause. I have all the trappings of a good life,
so many people care about what happens to me. Yet, I don't
give a shit. I'm unhappy most of the time. I'm restless,
in a constant state of discontent, I HATE my surroundings
(particularly, Washington State), I hate my physical body,
my mind is broken, my spirit is tormented. Sometimes, I
really don't want to go on. But, if I told people this as
often as I feel it, I'd have been locked away in some
mental institution, waiting to be lobotomized years ago.
I've just got to suck it up and deal with it until mental
illness ravages my mind to the point where suicide is no
longer a bad idea. How long will that take?
While I'm waiting for insanity to set in, I need to find
something to entertain myself. Keep what's left of my mind
busy. I've been thinking about taking college classes just
for the hell of it, but we don't have the money to pay for
them before fall registration ends ($800 by the end of
August) and I've already racked up $12,000 in student loan
debt paying for my dental assisting degree (which I'm not
even using, isn't that ironic)? Then I thought about
finding a little, insignificant part-time job to keep me
busy. Maybe retail or customer service, but unless it's a
necessity that I work (to support myself and my family), I
find it hard to keep doing it. 6 months in I miss my spare
time and freedom and I quit. I have a good work ethic, but
only when I need it. My third idea was to do something
I "love", which would be great if I had something I loved.
The closest I can get is something I like. I like to
write, very much, but that's about it. I'd be willing to
do almost anything if it allowed me to be independent of a
typical 9-5 and I could take vacations whenever the I felt
like it. Now, I just have to find this magical occupation!
Curling up in bed is nice, but not all the time. I'm
starting to feel like a terminally ill patient. I guess I
am, it just isn't my body that's dying.
Well, it's time to put my reasons for living to bed. I
seriously would have bumped myself off years ago if I
didn't have them to raise. So, at this point my life
expectancy is 40. That's when Kiki turns 18. I imagine
Kiki will need nurturing and support a few more years
beyond 18, but Snookums can give that to her. If I have
another baby, my life expectancy will go up, but for now.
I figure I'll make it to 40, which sounds like 80 in my
mind, since I never thought I'd live this long. Life is
full of surprises, most of them bad....Ciao.
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