Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-08-18 02:54:04 (UTC)

My Stepfather's Guilt

***

"Guilt, according to some scholars, is something that can
be overcome. It does not exist in Buddhist terminology.
With the Buddha nature all negative things can be
purified. Guilt is incompatible with our thinking as you
are part of an action but not fully responsible for it.
You are just part of the contributing factor. However, in
some cases one must repent, deliberatedly hold
responsibility, have regret, and never commit the mistake
again."

Isn't it ironic this was today's wisdom? I feel guilty
today. I think the hardest part for me, is letting go of
guilt. Sometimes I can hold onto it for months, even
years. Going back over the moment and reliving it time and
time again. Long after I've apologized or made amends. I
just can't let go. From what I've read so far, Buddhism
seems to have all the answers to all my problems, but at
this point I have no clue as to how I'm suppose to
implement these lessons. I read and I absorb information,
but it's about as good as reading a Microsoft manual
without having ever seen a computer. I'm so lost...

Speaking of guilt, my stepfather got out of jail today. I
carry a HUGE amount of guilt for what's happened to his
life. When I was 17 years old (about 2 years after he
stopped abusing me) and Annie was just an infant, he came
up to me and said "I'm so sorry." He never said what he
was sorry about, but I assumed. That was always enough for
me. Occasionally I get angry about what happened.
Sometimes I feel sad about everything I lost (mainly my
childhood), but mostly I feel nothing but never-ending,
unceasing GUILT. He apologized and yet he still got into
trouble, because I said something. I did it for Annie, but
even that knowledge doesn't feel like enough
justification. He got kicked out of the Navy, lost his
entire family (I think, Mom could still be hanging on),
his dignity, his freedom and his worth as a person. He's
nothing put a dishonorably discharged, convicted felon and
registered sex offender. Talk about a fall from grace. And
it's all my fault. My logical mind tells me I'm a retard
for feeling even the slightest bit of pain over this, but
I still feel it, none the less. This isn't my guilt it's
my stepfather's guilt and I shouldn't carry it for him any
longer.

I have to go now. Snookums ordered pizza (my favorite
binge food) to make me feel better. So, I'm going to drown
my sorrows in CARBS and tons of melted cheese! I love
pizza. Ciao.




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