Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-08-14 04:15:26 (UTC)

God Has Fallen Asleep

*****

"It seems to me that God has fallen asleep somewhere. I
was joking, as you might imagine, since we make no
allowance for a creator god. But it is true that if God
has fallen asleep, then it is our job to wake Him up. One
can't blame all our troubles on God. Nor on destiny, nor
on karma, which is our law of the chain of causes, of
deeds, and effects. All this comes from a rather cowardly
attitude."

At last! I'm not the only person that's thought God must
have fallen asleep somewhere! Most of my life, I'd been a
faithful believer in God. I trusted that he wouldn't let
anything happen to me and he'd always be there to protect
me from evil. More times than I'd like to remember he let
me down. Some nights I'd lay in bed, pretending I wasn't
there, going through what I was going through, screaming
out to God to help me. Yet he never did. I'll never be
able to forgive him for that. If there is a God and I go
to hell for not believing in him, that's fine by me. I've
lived hell and it can't get much worse than what I lived.
I don't want to go to Heaven, either. I don't want to be
in the same place as a God that would let those things
happen to me as he looked on, anyway. What kind of a
pervert is he? Or the Dalai Lama's theory that he fell
asleep is true. Either way. He doesn't exist to me.

Today went by fast, but it was such a good day. It wasn't
much different from yesterday. I spent most of it in bed,
wearing a t-shirt and a pair of Snookums' faded and
comfortably worn boxers. I did however manage to get all
the laundry done (with Gen's help) and I even went to
Dairy Queen to buy dinner. Okay, not the best nutritional
choice, but I'll make up for it tomorrow. So, I did chores
and got out of the house (if you can count the 20 feet
from the front door to the car as getting out of the
house. The Diary Queen drive thru doesn't count, I'm
sure). Either way, I feel happy. No self-pity today! I've
given the baby an appropriate amount of mourning time and
now I'm ready to move on.

Snookums' ship isn't suppose to be home until 11pm, but I
can sense it's close (I have a strange ability to "feel"
the ship's vibrations. Don't ask me to explain. The best I
can describe it is like white noise or a low frequency
reverberation in my head. Not a sound, but a feeling). We
live across the water from the shipyard and I'll be able
to see it from the living room window when it pulls in, so
my suspicions have always been right. Within an hour of
sensing it, it comes into sight. It's kind of weird, but
I've learned to use this tool to my advantage. The house
is always clean and he never catches me by surprise!

Well, the Coast Guard just kicked all the pleasure boats
out of the inlet, so that's my indication that he's
getting close (like the pressure in my head didn't already
give that away. I feel like a dolphin using sonar). So,
I'm going to go shower and make myself presentable for
Snookums. He should be home in a couple of hours. Ciao
until tomorrow!




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