Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
I Lost My Baby?
***
"Our whole educational system is in a crisis. It can't
adapt. In fact, this crisis extends to industry and
politics. Everything seems to be escaping our thoughts,
and hence our control."
I'm trying...
Not to be bitter.
Not to let things get out of my control.
Not to let my emotions get the better of me.
Not to feel less of a woman.
Not to attach a personality to the lost baby.
Not to wonder what it would have been like.
Not to miss something I didn't even know I had.
Not to let myself sink back into depression.
Not to dwell on circumstances out of my control.
Not to feel damaged or broken.
To feel each emotion but with the restraint to control it.
To know the child's soul wasn't lost.
To remember this was totally out of my control.
To realize that this wasn't my fault.
To accept that I didn't do anything wrong to cause this.
To move beyond the pain this is causing me.
To be pleasant and happy.
To be open about what I'm feeling.
To know I'm not alone.
To just move beyond it.
I lost my baby? This is just starting to sink in and even
though I wasn't planning on having a baby, didn't want a
baby, wasn't ready for another baby and had no intentions
of letting this happen. It did. And now I have to accept
it and move on. I'd convinced myself that I wasn't
attached, I didn't KNOW for sure I was pregnant, therefore
I wasn't attached, it didn't mean anything, but I was
kidding myself, what woman doesn't get even a little misty-
eyed at the thought of losing a baby? Now I've got yet
another hurdle to jump on my road to recovery. I hate the
idea that I might actually share an experience with my
mother, one that might help me understand her a little
better (she suffered miscarriage after miscarriage for
years on end). I won't think about that now, since her
advice to me would probably be along the lines of "get
over it". I don't plan on telling Helena about it,
either. She lost a full-term baby girl during her first
marriage and probably would have not a shred of sympathy
for me, since I already have two perfect little girls and
she had to have a hysterectomy at a very young age.
Therefore, no children for her. Their stories help me see
how lucky I am.
I wasted the day. I don't feel particularly depressed at
all, but the feeling of lounging in bed was a comforting
one and I did sleep and rest, because I'm tired. Mentally,
I don't feel out of control and I didn't have that sinking
feeling I usually feel when I'm hiding in bed. I was
actually feeling quite peaceful, even if I was wallowing a
bit. I haven't binged and I don't intend to. I'm doing
okay. I wish I wasn't alone, but Gen is coming over soon,
I'll have the girls to entertain all day tomorrow and
Snookums will be home late tomorrow night, so I won't be
alone for long.
Speaking of the girls'. Kiki's hives are going much
better. I'm pleased about that, considering she looked
quite frightening yesterday and had me a little worried
about her. Annie is doing well. She's testing the patience
of pretty much every adult around her, but she's been
doing that since the womb, I hardly think that'll change
any time soon! I wouldn't want her to, either. I admire
her chutzpah, even if it pisses me off to no end, at times.
I think I'll take a hot bath. Self-indulgent wallowing
isn't complete without a long soak in a tub full of
lavender scented water. Ciao.
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