Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-08-12 06:44:25 (UTC)

I Had A Miscarriage

***

"When things are not going well for someone we dislike,
what is the point in rejoicing? It does not make his
present suffering any worse and even if it did, how sad it
would be that we should wish such a thing."

This is something I most definitely need to work on. I'm
the queen of revenge. It's a good point, though. Being
happy about another person's pain doesn't accomplish
anything and it poisons your character in the process. Yet
another flaw I must work on.

In all actuality, my day was pretty good. It wasn't
fabulous, but it wasn't bad per se, either. It was just
okay. I didn't go to the gym this morning, because when I
went in to wake up the girls, Kiki nearly scared me half
to death. She was standing in her crib, babbling and
giggling just as happy as she could be, only, her face was
swollen, red/blotchy and looking quite frightening. It
startled me so bad, I ran to get Snookums so he could see
her. The doctor said the hives would get worse before they
got better, so I'd been expecting it, just not to that
degree. I decided to keep her with me today, just so if it
spread to her throat, like the doctor said it could, I'd
be able to judge by her body language if she was having
trouble breathing. I trust her daycare providers, but the
last thing I want is to take a chance with my baby's
health. She's fine, but precaution is never a bad thing.

As the title might have suggested, I went to see my doctor
today. For two things. To find out what the hell was going
on with my body and to have my medication evaluated. The
Celexa seems to be working great since she upped the dose
a bit. The period situation turned out to be a big
surprise (well, not really). It wasn't my period that
started on Tuesday, I had an early term miscarriage. My
doctor did an internal pelvic exam today and noticed that
my uterus was at about a 6-7 week size and my cervix was
dilated, which is consistant with a miscarriage
considering the symptoms I was having and the super low
HCG levels. Too low to sustain a pregnancy, but to high
for there never to have been one. Maybe I should have seen
this coming. I don't feel particularly bad about the whole
situation. I hadn't allowed myself to accept that I could
be pregnant, so I wasn't attached to the baby. Snookums
wasn't ready for a baby, either. So, even though we would
have loved to have it, we aren't torn apart that we lost
it. We'll survive and go on. After all, Kiki is only 15
months old. Still very much a baby and needs me regardless
of whether or not I had another child. We hadn't told any
of Snookums' family (because I didn't know for sure I was
pregnant), so there's no one to break the "sad" news to. I
talked to my dad about it a little (not in great detail),
but he's more able to remain level headed than any of
Snookums' family is.

I'm really sleepy and I'm still feeling a little crampy.
That will subside soon I was told. I'm just grateful I
don't have to have a D&C. I already feel like I was
scraped out with a grapefruit spoon. I'm going to bed now.
Ciao.




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