Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-08-08 03:15:17 (UTC)

Still No Answer

****

"In Tibetan, the word for blessing means "transformation
through majesty or power." In short, the meaning of
blessing is to bring about, as a result of the experience,
a transformation in one's mind for the better."

I went to the hospital today. Had my blood drawn, spoke
with a nurse a few hours later and was told my hcG level
was 1, which basically means I'm not pregnant. Or in his
words "it isn't showing up yet". So, still no anwswer.
When I explain my symptoms and feelings to everyone, they
all agree that they sound like classic pregnancy
complaints, yet all tests point to negative. I'd be okay
with that (totally) if I wasn't feeling so shitty. Explain
to me why my breasts are the size of beach balls, none of
my bras fit and the slightest movement makes my nipples
tingle and every inch of breast tissue ache? Why am I
constantly queasy and can't handle certain smells? Why do
I always feel exhausted? Why do I keep getting headaches?
Where is my period? Why does the very thought of eating a
Lean Cuisine or South Beach meal (the food I practically
LIVED on for a year) make me want to vomit? What the hell
IS wrong with me? That's all I'd like to know.

They bumped up my next appointment and I'll be seeing my
doctor on Friday. I have to take in my first morning's
urine for yet another negative test, then I might be
getting a pelvic exam to feel my uterus. I'm not exactly
sure what her game plan is, but she seemed just as curious
about this as I am.

I've already decided that if my period doesn't come this
week (which I'm holding out all hope that it does). I'm
not going to dwell on this or let it get to me. One lesson
I've learned from my limited studies of Buddhism is to
accept what I can't change or control. This is one of
those things I can't control. So, once my doctor pokes,
prods and tells me I'm not pregnant I'll just move on with
life and I'll re-evaluate the whole situation in two weeks
when I KNOW a home test will detect a pregnancy if in fact
it is there, because by 8 weeks, both Annie and Kiki were
detected by a good old fashioned pee test. Due to the poor
timing, I'm really hoping to just move on with life and
not have to think about dealing with a pregnancy on my
own.

Despite all this crap, my day was actually pretty good. I
was in a good mood all morning and most of the day, even
after fatigue set in and I developed a headache. I did
some shopping on my own while Gen worked (we did go to the
gym, of course) and once I'd ran out of places to go on my
own, I stopped at the Silverdale Waterfront park and took
a nap for about 30 minutes. It helped a little. After
that, Gen and I met up at Starbucks, then headed to the
mall. I've been shopping a lot lately. I should probably
curb that a little, but it's just so much fun!

Well, I'm tired. I think I'll go crawl in bed. I didn't
sleep so well last night, so hopefully I'll make up for it
tonight. Ciao!




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