Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-08-04 02:59:03 (UTC)

Withdrawal Isn't 100%

***

"We must each lead a way of life with self-awareness and
compassion, to do as much as we can. Then, whatever
happens, we will have no regrets."

Short, sweet and oh, so true. Now, if only I could
implement all the valuable lessons Buddhism is teaching
me! I'm still living my internally dysfunctional life and
paying little attention to the teachings I'm suppose to be
absorbing!!!!!When will I ever learn? Maybe I just haven't
had enough suffering yet? Maybe I need to live through
hardship a little longer before I realize that it's
completely up to me to change things. I'm so hard-headed,
though. There's no telling when that particular lesson
will finally sink in.

My workout was crap. I wouldn't even call it a workout.
Would you consider 10 minutes on the treadmill (a measly
150 calories burned) a workout? No, I don't either. I just
couldn't muster the energy. I was so late this morning,
that Gen and I didn't get to work out together. I got
there in just enough time to keep her company while she
dressed. So, when she left, she took my motivation with
her. My allergies are acting up, too. So, I can't stop
sneezing. I suck.

I have a newsflash for you. Withdrawal isn't 100%
effective. Everyone on the planet probably knew that, but
me. Well, I knew it wasn't 100% effective, but I didn't
know it was only 96% effective (at best)if used perfectly
and only 73% effective if you slip up once or twice. That
would mean 4 out of 100 get pregnant in a year even if the
guy withdraws EVERY time, and 27 out of 100 will get
pregnant if the guy forgets once in awhile. Those odds
suck. So, to make this whole discussion make more sense,
there's a very, very, very, very.....very, very small
chance that I might be pregnant. I haven't mentioned it
lately, because I've been patiently waiting for my period
to start, but there has been no sign of it. It's almost
two weeks late. That wouldn't be so scary if I wasn't
having some weird sensations that I don't normally have.
My breasts are HUGE and so sore. Worse than any period has
ever caused. I'm constantly exhausted, hungry and
irritable. I'm having a very distinct pulling sensation in
the lower right and left sides of my abdomen. Like, when I
sneeze (or course my allergies are acting up, so I'm
constantly sneezing) or if I bend down or get up too
quickly. They feel EXACTLY like the uterine ligament
stretching I had when I was first pregnant with Kiki. It's
the only time I've felt such a feeling. Also something no
period has produced. Today I broke down and bought a box
of EPT tests. But since even if I were pregnant I'd only
be about 4 weeks, it was negative. I haven't had a
pregnancy test work any earlier than 7 weeks with Annie
and 8 weeks with Kiki, so if my period doesn't come in the
next few weeks, I'll try again. I'm holding out so much
hope that it will. This is bad timing for another baby.
Jason will be gone for eight months the beginning of next
year and he'd miss the birth and the first 5 or so months
of the baby's life. I don't want that to happen, so I'm
hoping I'm NOT pregnant. Pray for me (to whichever God you
prefer, I don't care)!!!!!

I'm going to eat again. I'm starving!!! Ciao!




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