Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-07-30 03:22:35 (UTC)

I Didn't Want To (But I Did)

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"One of the characteristics of karmic theory is that there
is a definite, commensurate relationship between cause and
effect. There is no way that negative actions or
unwholesome deeds can result in joy and happiness. Joy and
happiness, by definition, are the results or fruits of
wholesome actions. So from that point of view, it is
possible for us to admire not so much the immediate
action, but the real causes of joy."

This passage only makes me feel more guilty about my
actions today, which were negative, unwholesome and
counterproductive to reaching my goal. I BINGED! I didn't
want to (but I did), I didn't mean to (but I did) and I
didn't even feel good about it or glad I'd done it
afterwards (I really didn't). Snookums pressured me into
it and I was already weak with desire because of this damn
lingering PMS. So, we ordered pizza. Not just pizza, but
cheesy bread AND cinna stix. As if the pizza itself wasn't
bad enough. To make matters worse, Snookums is out getting
cheesecake and Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Therapy ice
cream. Two of my all time favorite binge foods. If you're
not going to be good, at least be good at it.

My back is aching terribly from sitting/laying/lounging in
bed all day. I don't think I got out of bed for more than
a collective hour all day, until now. Isn't that pathetic?
I want to get a shower in before Snookums gets home, so
hopefully that'll loosen up my back so I can get back in
bed and eat some more.

I was suppose to be going to Amanda's apartment to spend
time with "the girls", but I flaked out on her. I just
don't feel like being social today. I'm perfectly content
being miserable in bed with my husband by my side, being
an enabler and passing me junk food. I'm surprised today
was even a 3 star day. I was being generous since I didn't
have any breakdowns or crying jags. I'm going to shower
now. Ciao.




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