Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-07-24 05:05:24 (UTC)

That Cut Set Me Free

I need today to end and tomorrow to never come. I woke
this morning to the most crushing internal pain I've ever
felt. I don't know what caused it, I don't know of
anything that could've provoked it. It was just there.
Like a 10 ton weight gently placed upon my chest while I
was asleep.

I thought when Snookums got home, things would be better.
Someone to comfort me, protect me (from myself and
others). Someone to understand my needs and help me meet
them. The fact of the matter is he doesn't understand. He
never will. I can't make him, I can't show him how, I
can't explain to him what I need. In fact, his very
presence makes things worse. When he was gone. I knew just
what it took to make myself feel better: 4 hours at the
gym, a pizza, a pint of ice cream, a crying jag, a day in
bed (room dark, head under covers, no stimulus but the
raging voices in my mind and the idol noise the tv makes
in the background). But when Snookums is home, he doesn't
allow for such behavior. All is sunshine and light in his
world and he drags me into it. He wouldn't let me stay in
bed this morning. I was forced out and made to be "happy".
I tried curling up on the couch, but he found constant
reasons to pull me off. He wanted hug after hug, kiss
after kiss and constant communication. He wouldn't let me
binge, he wouldn't let me be alone. I could get no release
or respite from his constant attempts at making me happy.
It just got to be too much and I snapped...

I asked him to please kill me. He would not. Suicide
hasn't been an option in the past, because of the girls,
but now that Snookums is home, I wouldn't be missed as
much. I've given him instructions and I hope he's
listened. I don't want to resort to suicide, because it
isn't the legacy I want to leave for my girls, but I MUST
get out of this pain. I can't breathe for the ache in my
chest. I can't think right. Speak right. Feel right. I
hate myself for who I am and what I've become. I'm vain,
self-centered and obsessed only because I'm constantly
looking for what makes me worthy. I'm loathful of myself
because I have everything I ever wanted yet I want more.
But on the other hand, I'm so ready to give it all up. I'm
ready to die, but not ready to die by my own hand. I'm
close, but not quite. Snookums took my Vicodin and I lost
it. I cried and fought, but he held me down until I
relaxed. Now I don't know where it is and my back-up plan
didn't work out well either. I wasn't trying to kill
myself. I think that's where we miscommunicated. I only
wanted to release the pain...

While Snookums laid in bed and watched tv I went into the
kitchen. I found a dainty little paring knife and
sharpened it on the iron in the butcher's block. I think
he heard me, because he came out of the bedroom to see
what I was doing. I slid past him and went to the
bathroom. I thought I'd locked the door, but apparently I
hadn't because to my surprise he walked right in and
caught me with the blade pressed against my wrist. He
snatched it away from me and left me crying in the
bathroom. WHY WON'T HE LET ME RELEASE!!! Is all I kept
hearing in my head. Damn the voices that torment me!

About an hour later, his guard was down enough to allow me
to slip out of bed again. This time I found my little
knife and stood over the kitchen sink. I pressed the blade
into my left wrist and savored the feel of the sharp blade
denting my flesh. I was too busy to hear Snookums walk up
beside me. Just as I started to slice, he gently removed
the knife from my hand. I only nicked myself a little.
I've cut myself worse shaving, but seeing that little
trickle of blood was so liberating. That tiny wound
drained so much hurt, rage, confusion and discontent out
of my body. I could breathe deeply again. That cut set me
free. I've found a way to make myself feel better!

Snookums cleaned my tiny little cut. The 2 inch red dent
in my wrist is gone. All that remains is a tiny, half
centimeter line that resembles a paper cut more than
anything else. It was enough, though. It was all I needed.




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