Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-06-17 05:00:54 (UTC)

Celexa

Even though today was a really good day (as good as my
days get, anyway), I still couldn't shake that feeling of
sadness. What I'd give just to be happy. I don't think
I've ever truly been happy. It will be wonderful learning
what that feels like. TRUE happiness.

I saw my doctor today. Not the psyciatrist, but my general
practitioner. Did I forget to mention I had an appointment?
Yesterday, my therapist made a call and got me in to see
her today, since all conventional methods of obtaining an
appointment were putting me on the back burner. She ended
up putting me on Celexa. It's an antidepressant that helps
treat a lot of my problems. Not only does it help me
create serotonin, but it also manages my eating disorder,
my obsessive-compulsive tendancies and since it makes you
drowsy, maybe it'll help me sleep. Already I feel relief
knowing that I'm at least started on the path to finding
the right med for me. Celexa may not be it, but it's a
starting point. I'll start out taking one a day for a
week, then I'll work up to taking two per day. After a
month, I go back for an evaluation. If it's working,
she'll adjust the dose accordingly. If it's not working,
she'll try something else. You have no idea how much I
want this to work.

Even though Gen and I went shopping today (and I spent
$250), I got little satisfaction out of it. I just felt
sad, all day. In all actuality, I only spent around $60
shopping. $40 was gas for the Impala, $50 was Kiki's
diapers and wipes at Costco and $100 was groceries at the
Commissary. We went to three of my most FAVORITE stores,
too. Old Navy, Bath and Body Works and Victoria's Secret
and $60 was all I could manage. I'm not going to complain,
though. When is it a bad thing NOT to spend a ton of
money? I just wish my medication would already be working,
but it's going to take weeks for it to start taking affect
and I only took the first pill 30 minutes ago. So, I've
got a bit of a wait on my hands.

My Dad (I've decided to start calling him Dad, instead of
Father or John. It just sounds nicer) will be calling me
in the next hour or so. I really enjoy talking with him.
We're so much alike, it's almost scary. I'm glad for that,
though. As much as my Mother badmouthed him, I'd much
rather be like him than like her. At least he's real. He
doesn't try to hide his mistakes and actions, unlike her.
Who can't ever be wrong, imperfect or human for that
matter. At least I've got one parent now. Maybe it's too
little, too late to rescue my childhood, but at least my
adulthood will be a little better. Not to mention Annie
and Kiki will have another grandparent. I'm sure they'll
milk that for all it's worth in a few years.

I think I'll go take a nice hot bath. Maybe I'll have a
snack first. A slice of honey ham on a rice cake. Don't
knock it till you've tried it. At 55 calories, how the
hell can you beat that? Maybe I'll have two... I'm still
way under my 750 calorie limit. All I've had today is half
a crappy latte at the Naval Hospital gift shop (100
calories) and a salad at McDonald's (280 calories). Yeah,
I can have a snack. Ciao for now.




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