Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
I WAS FIRED!
Well that's not how Sherilan put it, but isn't "We can't
keep you on the schedule anymore" the same as "You're
fired"? Can you believe this? I was always under the
impression that you had to DO something WRONG to be fired,
but apparently that's not the case. Honestly, I should
have seen in coming. Dr. Phillips didn't want to work with
me. He didn't want to train me or even look at me for that
matter and since I was hired to be his assistant (and he
didn't want me to be his assistant) than I should have
seen it coming, but I was too busy trying to fit in and do
a good job, learn the ways of the practice and juggle my
diminishing sanity in the process. Sherilan told me after
lunch, then asked me to finish up with my last two
patients. Isn't that cruel and unusual punishment? Fire
someone, then ask them to finish the day? If you needed me
so much, then why did you fire me? By the time the day was
over, everyone knew and wouldn't speak to me. They'd just
look at the floor as they passed. It was terribly
uncomfortable. I stayed stoic, though. There was no way in
hell I was going to cry. I just put on a smile and stifled
the embarrassment and shame. At first I was pretty upset
about it, I even cried for about 30 seconds (once I was
safely in my car and about 2 miles away). Now I just look
at it as another pile of shit that has been dumped on me.
My life is shit, so why should I have anything good?
Something that makes me happy? I'm not worthy.
I told Snookums. He was sad for me, but his first response
was that now I had time to take care of myself and pursue
therapy. What makes him think that's what I want to do?
Sit around and think about NOTHING but the abuse I
survived as a child. I'm not sure I can handle that. At
least when I went to work, it was a time for me to NOT
have to think about anything but taking care of the
patient. Now, I'm going to have all this spare time and
nothing to do but think. Thinking tortures me. He doesn't
want me to look for another job. No matter how much he
attempts to support me, I know he prefers me being a
housewife, being home when he gets home and devoted to
caring for him and the girls. If I were happy, maybe that
would be okay, but I'm not happy. So, the downtime is hard
to fill with anything other than destructive thoughts.
I'm hurting so much right now. I can literally feel a
squeezing pain in my chest. It matches the emotional pain
I've been stifling for years. I wish I could die. Now.
Disappear from the face of the earth. If I could end my
suffering in a way that wouldn't hurt anyone in the
process, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'm just so tired of
struggling. My entire life I've been struggling to survive
and now I'm exhausted. Every little bit of happiness I
manage to get ahold of, is snatched away from me. Never
have I felt that my presence on this planet was of any
importance (today proves that). I lack the qualities that
make for a valuable human being. I'm everything nobody
wants to be. I'm highly dispensable. At this point, even
the fact that Snookums loves me and the girls need me,
isn't much motivation to live. Snookums can find a new
wife and I'm not all that great of a mother anyway. I'm
too selfish, self-absorbed and I don't show enough
affection. Everyone could do better without me.
I'm done. Ciao.
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