Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-06-07 03:53:38 (UTC)

Psychotherapy *VS* Drugs

I did something today that I've been resisting for years.
Something that I've been backpedaling and procrastinating
over. The very thing I couldn't bring myself to do because
I was afraid of what might happen... I'm going to see a
Psychologist. Tomorrow morning at 10am.

Unhappiness, loneliness, instability, crying, feeling
crazy. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like
something is wrong with me. Not physically wrong with me,
but emotionally, mentally. I'm not normal. I can't put my
finger on it, but I can feel it. Why do I prefer writing
in this diary more than talking to actual people? Why
do I WANT to be alone, even though I feel so lonely?

Yesterday was a catalyst. Something inside of me changed.
That wall I built around my ugliness somehow got damaged
and I can feel the inevitable avalanche coming my way.
Yesterday, I wanted to die. Crawling in bed wasn't enough.
Going for a walk wasn't enough. Eating an entire pizza
wouldn't have been enough. I didn't want to see another
sunrise or sunset. I didn't want to wake up or take care
of my children. I didn't want to exist anymore. I'm tired
of dealing with myself. I'm tired of being different. I'm
probably not making sense, but I still need to write this.

I called CAPS this morning. The Navy's counseling service.
I was going to make an appointment at Naval Hospital for a
mental health assessment, but I decided that I don't want
to be medicated. I'll try the therapy route first and if
that isn't successful, then I'll pursue drugs. But, for
now I really feel that I need to be in control of the
process. Somehow I've already convinced myself that this
isn't going to work. I'm going to pour my heart out to
some stranger, yet again, expecting a miraculous recovery
only to be let down by how shitty I still feel. Hmm...
Psychotherapy VS Drugs. We'll see which one wins this
match.

In an attempt to fix the nails I butchered last night, I
bought some gel to level out the ridges created by the
power tool the manicurist used to sculpt my nails. They
look pretty good, if I must say so myself. And even though
cost-effectiveness isn't something that ranks high on my
list of priorities, I must say I'm proud of the fact that
it was cost-effective, too. $5.00 for a manicure, instead
of $25.00, not bad. At least now I can be in control of
what my nails look like and when I do them. Control, yet
another one of my many hang-ups.

I'm going to clean up the kitchen a little bit. I was
feeling ambitious tonight and cooked dinner. Turkey
meatloaf with herb gravy, couscous and waxed beans. It was
too salty. So, I didn't eat it. Damn. Ciao for now.




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