Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-06-06 04:19:43 (UTC)

I Need HELP, Please

I can feel myself losing the tenuous grip I have on
sanity. I'm not well mentally and no matter how hard I try
to mask that or cover it up, I'm not able to do it all the
time. No one wants to admit that they may not be quite
right in the head, but sometimes you just can't deny it.
When things get challenging, I crack. I can't stay strong.
That's exactly what is happening to me now. Kallista is
sick, I can't make her better, I'm all alone with no
support, no one to relieve me of my duties. I'm stretched
to the ends of my limits. I'm teetering on the edge of the
abyss with no one to pull me back. I'm scared.

Last night Kallista couldn't get to sleep. She slept
fitfully, crying most of the night until she woke up
around 2am, throwing up violently. I cleaned her up,
changed her sheets and thought that would be the extent of
it, but no. She did it 3 more times. Eventually, all she
could do was dry heave, because her little stomach was
empty. She finally fell back to sleep around 4 am, which
gave me a restful 3 hours of sleep. This morning when I
went to check on her, she was still covered in blisters,
but now she had a screaming-high fever and a prickly-heat
rash all over her body. There was no way daycare was
taking her. So, I called her pediatrician to see if I
could get her seen. They didn't have any appointments. I
was put on a waiting list. Can you believe that? A waiting
list for my baby to see a doctor. So, I took her to the
emergency room. 3 hours later, she still hadn't been seen.
I was exhausted, she was exhausted and I just broke down.
I started crying (bawling). I couldn't take it anymore. A
nice older lady (who was there with her teenaged son) came
over and hugged me and took Kallista from me. I don't know
why I broke down. I guess it's just the stress of a sick
baby, with no sleep and no help. What am I going to do?

I know I'm crazy, because I ripped off my fingernails. Not
my natural ones (I'm crazy, not insane), but my acrylic
nails. I'm just tired of them. I'm tired of getting them
done, worrying about fitting in time for an appointment.
I'll admit, I prefer the way they look to my natural
nails, but I need a break. At this point, just making a
nail appointment one more thing I don't need to put on
myself. I'm such a fruit loop.

Tonight is starting to look like a repeat of last night.
Kallista has already ruined one set of sheets. The only
glimmer of hope is that she went back to sleep and is
quiet now. I'm not an overly religious person, but LORD
HELP ME, I'M FALLING OFF THE DEEP END!!!

I'm going to bed while I still have the chance. Ciao.




Ad: