Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Loneliness Is A Silent Killer
I feel so alone. Completely, utterly, totally, thoroughly
encompassed in every adjective that describes the state of
loneliness. My husband is in the middle of the ocean, my
children have gone to bed, my cat ran away from home
yesterday and my nearest family is thousands of miles
away. I have no real friends to speak of. They all come
and go as they please. I'm so very alone.
Loneliness is a silent killer. You think it's harmless.
Something that will pass. But in reality, when you aren't
paying attention, it slowly starts to eat away at your
existance. The very thing that keeps you alive. The
quintessence of life that keeps you breathing, feeling,
connected to society. Science has shown that lonely people
don't live as long as the companioned do. So in essence,
I'm dying a slow death. Lovely. Something is going to get
us all at some point. My only hope is that something a
little less pathetic kills me off first.
Today I could not (or simple did not want to) muster up
enough of my skeletal fortitude to even get out of bed. I
went throught the motions of motherhood (bathing, feeding,
playing with, cleaning up after, etc.), but my heart was
hurting and all I really wanted to do was languish in bed.
Which is what I did for the better part of the day.
Children at my side or playing at my feet. I finished
Paradise (the book I've been trying to read) and watched
some Food Network, but for the most part, I struggled
through bouts of fitful sleep-wakefulness and tried my
best to pin down what psychological ailment was keeping me
from getting up and DOING something. I still haven't
figured it out. But, my better judgement is leaning
towards the sudden emergence of my father.
Last night he called me. Around 11:30pm. We talked for 3
hours. Neither of us wanted to let go. Like, 3 hours could
possibly make up for 18 missed years. But, none the less
it was a wonderful 3 hours. I learned some disturbing and
saddening things about my Mother (which make a lot of her
behaviors more understandable now that I know) and I got a
glimpse into the woman my Father fell in love with and
what eventually happened to their marriage. I'm still not
completely clear on all the details, but at this point is
seems inconsequential to me. I really don't care about
what happened to their marriage. All I care about it
building the bonds with my Father that were never built
when I was a child. I've got a Daddy and maybe it's not
too late to for us to "bond" like fathers and daughters
are supposed to. We'll see.
Since I spent most of the day in bed (and managed to get
absolutely nothing done in the house) I'm wide awake and
sitting in the middle of a disaster zone. I think I'll
pull myself together a little, clean up the house and then
try to find my cat. He's usually in a bush somewhere near
home. He's probably pretty hungry by now. Ciao.
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