Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-05-30 04:05:11 (UTC)

It's Not Like He Died...

It's been about 3 hours since I dropped Snookums off and
so far, I've held myself together, but not well and not
for much longer. Just thinking about what I'm about to
write is making me want to cry (which isn't that hard to
do). Is it so much to ask? Having your husband stay in
your geographical location? I married him because I wanted
to be with him, not alone. But, my frustration is futile.
I knew what I was getting myself into when I married him.
Does it seem like I'm telling myself that every month,
these days? Because I am. Every month he leaves and every
month I remind myself that I knew loving a military man
wasn't going to always be easy. It's a lesson that isn't
learned quickly, I guess.

Before Snookums had to leave, we decided to take a shower
together. I love showering with him. Usually, there's
nothing sexual about it. We just bathe each other. Talk,
enjoy the warm water and the closeness of being in such a
small space together. It's one of my most favorite things
to do with him. Strange? Maybe, but I wouldn't change it
for the world. He massaged my hair with shampoo, gently
scrubbed my body with my loofah and helped me rinse out my
hair. I really just lived in the moment and enjoyed his
touch, because I know it will be the one thing I miss the
most. Not the sex, but his touch. His hands in my hair,
his body next to me in bed, his presence in the house. I'm
going to miss him so much...

I dropped him of on Delta Pier at about 5:30pm. So he'd
have time to unpack his care package (Did I mention I made
up his care package Saturday? I couldn't let him leave
without it. I even stashed his Father's Day present in it,
since he's missing Father's Day). He wanted to get that
done before muster at 6:30pm. We sat in the car for about
15 minutes, not really saying much, not really ready to
say good-bye. Just looking at all the other couples saying
their good-byes, hugging, kissing then parting ways. It
was sad. It was even sadder knowing we had to do the same
thing. Finally, I popped the trunk and we got out. He said
good-bye to the girls and then we gathered up his things
out of the trunk. We hugged for a long time. It felt so
good to hold him and smell him. Smell is something that
sticks with me better than sight or sound, or any other
sense, for that matter. The way he smelt today will stick
with me until the day I die. The complex combination of
many things: the scent of his cologne, layered over the
aroma of his clean clothes on top of his shower freshness
and finally, the most lingering of all his scents...his
skin itself. The natural way he smells. No cologne, body
wash or laundry detergent can mask it. I love the way he
smells. It's most intoxicating first thing in the morning.
When he's sleep-warm and slightly overheated. But, I
digress.

When we finally parted, let go of each other and looked
one another in the eyes, I noticed that Snookums was
crying. CRYING! This nearly tore my heart in half. In the
4 years we've been together, I've seen him cry once. Just
one time and it nearly killed me then, too. Even though I
wanted to cry, too. I felt the urge to comfort him more
strongly and I tried to console him, because I didn't want
anyone to consider him weak. He's a leader, other sailors
look up to him. I want him to feel as strong as they
perceive him. But, mostly I just didn't want him to hurt.
He'd stopped crying by the time he walked away, but I
could tell he was still hurting. There's nothing I could
to about that. If I could have found a way for him to stay
home, I would have done it.

When the girls' and I got home. I did my best to hold it
together. I fought back tears the entire ride home. When I
got them in the house, I made them dinner, got drinks and
vitamins, answered questions, refilled sippy cups and once
they had everything they needed, I closed myself in my
bedroom for 10 minutes and cried. His presence is still so
strong in the house, especially in our room. I thought I'd
given myself sufficient time to collect myself. I got the
girls ready for bed, paid a few bills and sent a few e-
mails, but when my cellphone started singing his
distinctive ringtone, I started welling up all over again.
I tried not to cry, but I couldn't help it. I don't know
if he heard it in my voice, I tried to hide it, but I
don't know how well I did. All we'll have is e-mail for
the next two weeks. Maybe a phone call once he goes in
port, but not many. This is going to be hell...

I feel idiotic for making such a big deal out of Snookums
leaving for 2 months. It's not like he died. It's not like
he's in Iraq or Afganistan for a year or two. He's going
to be off the coast of California for a couple of months.
In relative safety, with e-mail access. I should feel
blessed that he's not in harm's way. But, I'm selfish. I
want him home and nothing less will do. So, yes, I'm
making a big deal out of it. Because I love him and I WANT
HIM HERE WITH ME! Nothing less will do. Ciao and thanks
for coming to my pity party.




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