Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-04-23 05:40:11 (UTC)

Excess Is My Compensation

I didn't get the laundry done or the house straightened up
(in fact, I made it messier), but I did drag my sorry ass
to the park and I went shopping. Retail therapy is right
up there with binging as two of my favorite ways of making
myself feel better. Excess is my compensation. I make up
for my sadness by justifying the consumption of too much
food or spending too much money. $160 later, I'm not
feeling that much better, but even a little better is
something. I'm all messed up, but at least I know it.

It was sunny today. Very sunny. It made me nervous,
because I've been waiting for weeks for the sun to come
out, but today I didn't want to be in it. I wanted to stay
in my cool, dark bedroom. Shades pulled, covers up over
me. I felt like I'd hit that deep, dark spot I pulled
myself out of last summer. It was a frightening feeling.
But, I MADE myself go outside. I took the girls' to the
park, I pushed them on the swings, helped Annie across the
monkey bars, rode on the teeter-totter. Thankfully, I felt
much better. Being their Mom (and being Snookums wife) is
the only thing keeping me from taking a whole bottle of
Vicodin with a vodka chaser, or driving into oncoming
traffic. If I didn't have them, I'd just kill myself. It's
scary, because I know the girls' are going to grow up,
start their lives separate of me and Snookums can't
protect me from everything. I'm going to HAVE to be my own
reason for living, eventually. I don't have a lot of time
to time to fix this...

Tomorrow I'm going to church. I'm not entirely sure why,
but I feel like I should. Like I need to. Obligated in
some way. Religion seems silly to me, believing in
something I can't see, feel, touch, taste or smell is
ludicrous. Yet, I'm compelled to go back. I'm going back
to Mindy's church. I got one of those courtesy calls from
a church member, who happens to run a bible study for
women who have lived through crisis (rape, abuse, domestic
violence, etc.) and she invited me to go, so I'm going. I
don't know if I'll continue going, but I'll give it a
chance. I didn't feel the presence of God last Sunday, but
if he does exsist then I'd better start believing or I'm
going to hell.

Well, I'm going to go for now. I plan on getting a good
night's sleep. It's been tough, lately to come by, but I'm
going to try. Tomorrow, I'll try my best to be good
foodwise. I need to get back in control. Once I do, then
I'll be able to get on track, again. Ciao for now.




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