Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-04-22 03:39:33 (UTC)

I Hate Myself

Sometimes I really hate myself. I hate myself for getting
fat. I hate myself for still being fat. I hate that I've
lost my stellar willpower. I hate that I can't break this
fucking plateau. I just hate myself, right now!!!! I want
to love me, but I can't. Because I'm not perfect, or at
least not as perfect as I believe I'm capable of becoming.
I feel disgusting. I feel fat, distended and grotesque on
so many levels. I feel like putting in my Tae Bo DVD and
just going at it for hours. When in reality, I'll probably
just retire to my bedroom, pull the drapes and cry myself
to sleep. Either option is not quite sane or normal and
more than anything, that's what I long to be. NORMAL.
It'll never happen.

I gave myself license to eat "normally" today, like all
the skinny girls I work with. But, the entire day all I
could think about was all the calories I was consuming.
For breakfast I had two bananas and a slimfast. I was okay
with that, since it's something I'm accustomed to
ingesting, but for lunch I went to Quizno's and had a
regular mesquite chicken sub, BBQ chips and a brownie and
wanted to vomit, hardcore. I was at work, though. So, I
didn't, but all afternoon I thought about it. For dinner I
took the girls' to the pancake house. I had a piece of
bacon, a piece of sausage, two eggs and three pancakes. A
small meal by pancake house standards and I want to throw
up now. I'm trying not to, because it isn't "normal" but,
I'm just so sad and unhappy with myself, I don't know what
else to do....

I really want to be thinner when Snookums gets home May 3,
but at the rate I'm going, I'm going to get bigger. I've
already got SIX fucking pounds of water weight from the
period that still hasn't come and I keep binging, I don't
get to go to the gym and work it off like I use to and I
can't purge because it's bad for your teeth. Since my
profession kind of requires a nice set of teeth, I
absolutely CAN NOT get into the habit of doing something
that will ruin my pristine oral health. Not to mention my
employer is also my dentist, so I wouldn't want them to
KNOW what I'm doing. You see my problem?

ONE HOUR LATER

Okay, I just got off the phone with Snookums. I vented all
my frustrations about how fat I am. How upset I am at my
procrastinating period, and how I'm getting really
discouraged with my weight loss progress (basically, all
the stupid shit I just wrote) and as usual, he made me
feel much better about it all. I have to remember that he
loved me at my fattest just as much as he loves me now, at
the weight I was at 16 years old. I love my husband so
much. He's my best friend and biggest fan. I'm going to
stop this bitch session now and go do something more
constructive. I'm going to tally up my calorie count for
today, if it's over the amount of calories I'm suppose to
have, I'm going to do Tae Bo, if it isn't, then I'm going
to take a shower, curl up in bed and watch tv, sleep in
late tomorrow and try to have a good day. That's the plan.
LET'S KEEP IT POSITIVE, JENNIFER! Ciao.

UPDATE:
I crunched the numbers and I'm about 840 calories over my
BMI :( So, I have to do my Tae Bo DVD twice (about an
hour) to make up for it. Oh, well. It's the price I have
to pay for being a fat pig...




Ad: