Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-04-17 06:13:38 (UTC)

Just Fucking Shoot Me!

WOULD SOMEONE ~*~PLEASE~*~ PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY?

Sometimes it feels like that's the only solution to keep
me from fucking myself over. Just put and end to the
miserable existance I consider my life. It isn't that my
actual life is so bad. I'm sure there's plenty of people
out there who'd like to have it and would do great things
with it. I just keep fucking it up, for some reason. Like,
I don't know a good thing when I see it.

I didn't mention it to you last night, but I made myself a
new accountability journal yesterday. I've gotten away
from the whole accountability thing lately and I figured
it was high time I got back in touch with it. So, I've
fabricated an elaborate support-system-in-a-binder for
myself. It's got 5 sections (marked off my dividers) that
pertain to my goals. There's:

Calorie Requirements- the 7-day calorie cycle thing I told
you about earlier this week.

The Honest Truth- the food diary section where I log in my
food intake, water and exercise and an extra section on
the bottom to jot down my mood that day.

Common Foods- a calorie content list of the foods I eat on
a regular basis, but can't remember off the top of my head.

Weigh-ins- self explainatory

Words Of Wisdom- this section is special. It's a lot of
things under one heading (so at a glance, no one would
readily know what the section actually had in it. There's
2 pages of inspirational quotes and sayings. The idea is
to read through the quotes during a craving, so that by
the time I'm done, it will have passed. There's
educational information about my eating disorder, to
remind myself why I'm like this and to reinforce that it's
just a part of me I must learn to live with or employ a
shrink to fix me (not likely to happen). Then, my favorite
section of all...thinspiration...35 pictures of frail,
waifishly thin lingerie, runway and supermodels. So, I
have something to aspire to, even if the odds of me
reaching that point are slim. I'm more likely to hit the
lottery and I don't even play lotto.

I started my new accountability journal today. So, why am
I asking for a bullet, you wonder? Well, even after all
the extensive work I put into my new tool, I still went to
an Easter party and BINGED. 3,090 calories later I want to
rip my fucking stomach out and throw it in the dumpster.
Why did I do that? As punishment for my sins, I'm doing
double-duty at the gym tomorrow AND Tuesday. Come hell or
high water.

Before my Easter binge, the day was going pretty smoothly.
Church was boring, I have no intentions of going again
until maybe next Easter, but not bad. Annie and I colored
eggs and I hid them around the house, she had a great time
finding them. And we were invited to Easter dinner at a co-
worker's house (Mindy, the one who invited us to church).
It was a good time, but now I'm wishing I hadn't even
gone. Fuck me for being such a stupid bitch!!!

If you couldn't tell, I'm really pissed off at myself for
what I did. I realize my ED is called BED (Binge Eating
Disorder), but I'm so strong willed with everything else,
why can't I control this? I'm all fucked up.

I'm going to bed now. I'll be needing all the energy I can
muster at the gym tomorrow. Ciao.




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