Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-04-02 06:18:11 (UTC)

Dirty Needles, Used Condoms, Road Kill...

Today was one of those never-should-have-woke-up, why-am-I-
still-alive, maybe-I-should-end-it-all kind of days. At
least, for some disturbingly enigmatic reason, that's how
I felt from the moment I opened my eyes, until about an
hour ago. I'm still feeling glum, but at least I like
living, again.

I woke up repeatedly last night, molested by the never-
ending, excruciating gas pains I brought upon myself by
eating all the fatty foods my body has come to reject. I
knew I was playing Russian roulette with my small
intestine while I was doing it, but I was hoping the
bullet wouldn't be in the chamber this time. I was wrong.
It was and I shot myself in the stomach. Well, that's what
it felt like. My abdomen was so distended, I looked at
least 6 months along.

As if I hadn't done enough damage to my irritable bowels,
I woke up this morning feeling really down in the dumps
and the only thing I could wrap my mind around was the
left over sliver of chocolate cake I'd deposited in the
fridge last night. I knew I should have thrown it away,
but I didn't, so guess what self-distructive me had for
breakfast? 305 calories of Outback Steakhouse chocolate
cake. I immediately went into a shame-spiral, which only
caused my fragile mental state to disintegrate even
further. So, as punishment I didn't allow myself to eat
anything other than my vitamins and I took my depressed
ass on a long walk. 5 miles. Along the side of the road,
with the dirty needles, used condoms, road kill and broken
beer bottles. I deserved such treatment.

When I got home from my walk, surprisingly I was feeling a
little better. I went out into my "garden" (it isn't
really a garden, but it's got plants, so it's my garden)
and I swept up the patio, transplanted some bulbs (tiger
lilies) and got rid of the fall annuals that were a bit
more than past their prime. It was sunny today, so I tried
to take advantage of the sun's natural Prozac-effect. It
worked, a little.

I had a light dinner, only because my hypoglycemia was
making me feel very faint and weak. I didn't want to risk
passing out or going into sugar shock. I probably would
have been better off having nothing over the high dose of
sugar in the chocolate cake, so I had a bowl of steamed
cabbage and a cup of vegetable soup. I feel better and
Snookums convinced me that it would be okay to have a bowl
of watermelon, too. In total I'm at 695 calories. So, I
turned the day around. I can live.

I'm taking my crazy ass to bed now. I'm hoping I'll be in
a better frame of mind tomorrow morning. I'm not sure yet
if I'll weigh in tomorrow morning, but if I do and I'm
still at 148, I'll consider myself lucky. Ciao.




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