Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-03-22 06:34:11 (UTC)

Bluedragonfly.org

You probably don't know what bluedragonfly.org is, and I
wish I didn't either, but honestly I'm glad I found it.
It's a support site for people with eating disorders. I've
found a place full of people like me. No one is
encouraging anorexia or bulimia, but it's accepted that
it's a personal battle and people need a place to talk
about it without feeling like they're going to be ganged
up on.

I need to accept that I've had a problem with food my
entire life and it isn't going to disappear just because I
want it to. Today, I looked at myself in the mirror and I
wanted to cry. I saw ribs, protruding collarbones,
shoulder blades, cheekbones, things previously covered by
fat and I got scared. I wanted to break down and cry. I'm
not emaciated by any means. I look normal if anything.
It's just that I've been FAT for so long, I don't remember
what I look like thin and it's all a little overwhelming.
I'm scared I won't be able to stop when I get to 130. I'm
afraid it'll get to the point where I can't control it
anymore. I NEED to control it and my control is slipping.

I just finished chatting on bluedragonfly.org and I feel
better. Somehow, it's reassuring to know that I'm not
alone. Honestly, I'm ASHAMED of myself for letting a
harmless wish of being thin get blown so far out of
proportion. But, I can't say anything to anyone. I can't
let the people in my life know what I'm up against. I feel
like telling Snookums, but I don't want to worry him. More
than anything, I don't want someone else taking my control
away. Trying to will me into normalcy. I want to be the
one who makes the choice to quit this and be normal. But,
will I ever? Only time will tell... Pray for me. Ciao.




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