Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-03-15 17:22:20 (UTC)

I ~!@#% HATE ^&*?~ Food The 300th Episode

Food is my enemy. In the battle between food and me. Food
is winning by a landslide. I'm tired of struggling with
what to eat, how much to eat, when to eat, how many
calories is it? What percentage is fat? How many carbs?
It's all too much. I'm tired of my food diary, I'm tired
of calorieking.com, I'm tired of the calculator I use to
total my calories, I'm just tired. I'm sick of getting
sick when I eat something I shouldn't. I'm sick of
worrying about what might make me sick. I'm sick of the
bloating, cramps, nausea, and diarrhea that comes after I
eat a bad food. I'm just sick. Sick and Tired. And all
because of food. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to have
a normal relationship with food. I can't remember a time
when I did. I either love it or hate it. I see other woman
doing bad things to their bodies and my first instinct is
to stop them, because I'm struggling and it's hard. I
don't want anyone to have to deal with the torment like I
do everyday. It isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy
(I don't have one, but if I did, I wouldn't). I want to be
normal, but I don't want to stop the behavior. So, I'm
avoiding food until I think I might be able to handle the
pressure of being normal again.

I got on the scale this morning hoping to see another
pound gone, but instead I was two pounds heavier. My
logical mind realizes that it's water weight and I should
be greatful it was only two pounds instead of the usual
five or six (I'm taking herbal diuretics, which I guess
are helping). Every month it's the same thing. I wish my
period would just go away. But, something in my mind just
snapped. I got mad. I try so hard. There is no way
possible to eat LESS than your body needs for months at a
time and NOT lose weight. It just isn't possible, but I
haven't lost an ounce in the past week. I so wanted to be
down to 150 when Snookums gets home. Now I'm at 155 thanks
to water weight. He'll be home in a week. How will I ever
meet my goal now? This pisses me off SO much! So, I'm
avoiding food until I calm down a little. Slim-fast for
nutrition and fluids to flush the system will be the plan.
No food diary, no calculator, no calorieking.com. I'm
taking time off from food. Completely.

All those who have a problem with this, please don't. I
realize that it isn't in my body's best interest, but it's
in my mind's best interest, so there isn't really anything
anyone can say to change my mind. You might hurt my
feelings, but that's about it.

This is a sad way to commemorate the 300th episode of my
diary, but this is my life. Good, bad, indifferent. Ciao.




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