Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-03-12 03:37:04 (UTC)

I Feel So Lonely

We just got back from Malakai's (my friend's son's)
birthday party. Overall I guess it was a good time, but
mostly it just reminded me of how friendless I am. There
had to have been at least 100 people there. I don't have
10 people I'd call friends, let alone 100. This made me
very sad. It isn't that I want a slew of people gathered
around me at all times. It's just that sometimes I feel so
lonely. Alone, isolated in my own world, disconnected from
family and loved ones. If something were to happen to me,
there isn't a single person who cares closer than 500
miles away (Jason's Mother in Eastern Washington). Sad,
just sad. I haven't talked to Gen since January, Shannell
since December (before last week, when she invited me to
the party) and Beverly since December. Real friends don't
go that long without talking to each other. So, therefore,
I have no real friends. How pathetic.

Anyway, Malakai liked the little riding toy I got for him
and Shannell loved the $100.00 check I put in the card. I
remember what it's like just starting out. Shannell is a
dental assistant, too (we went to school together), but
she doesn't work enough hours to support herself, Malakai
and Jay (Malakai's father). Jay works, too, but it still
isn't enough. So they live in her Mother's basement. It's
set up very nice, but they don't want to live there
indefinitely. They're saving to move out, so I donated to
the cause. At first Shannell didn't want to take it, but
we came to a compromise. She'll watch the girls' for me on
Thursday so I can go to dance. Babysitting is worth more
than $100.00 in my book, but she made the arrangement.

I totally procrastinated on the housework last night. I
didn't do a damn thing. This morning before we left I
managed to get a little done, but not nearly all I need
to. I'm going to do a little more tonight and I'll knock
out the rest tomorrow for sure. We aren't going anywhere.
I have this terrible predisposition of putting things off
if I feel I'm unable to get it done PERFECTLY at that
time. I won't do anything half-assed. It'll stay a wreck
until I have the appropriate amount of time to get it done
to perfection. I know, it's crazy, but it's why my house
is in a shambles. I don't have the time during the week to
get it done PERFECTLY. So, I save it for the weekend. Man,
how I miss the days of staying home, cleaning my house and
waiting for my family to come home. Isn't that stupid? I
was climbing the walls, itching to get into the workforce.
Now that I'm there? I want to go home. Just stupid.

I intend to get started on my housework, now. I'll at
least try to get a few items checked off the list tonight.
Snookums is suppose to be calling me from San Diego, too.
So, I'll be looking forward to that :) Ciao.




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