Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2006-01-22 03:14:08 (UTC)

Anorexic Tendencies

I had a much-deserved free day today and I don't feel the
least bit guilty about it. Okay, that was a half-truth. I
seriously weighed my options and heavily considered the
implications of going out to dinner, before I told
Snookums it was okay. I even cried about it a little
(because that's just me, I'm a crier). What can I say? I'm
very in-control of what I put in my body and I wasn't
really in the mood to indulge. But, after I thought about
it for a few moments I reminded myself that my stringent
1000 calories a day limit is quite strict and if I don't
allow myself a day or two of normal eating my body is
going to think I'm stranded on an island in the middle of
the Pacific and go into starvation mode. I know all the
dieting tricks, facts, strategies and trivia there is to
know, but the urge to starve myself is so strong it's hard
to keep a handle on. I'm trying hard not to slip back into
my anorexic tendencies, but seeing the numbers on the
scale drop so drastically each week fuels the need to see
them drop even more and I celebrate every occasion I can
turn down unnecessary calories. I'd consider bulimia, but
throwing up is gross and being a dental assistant, I've
seen what purging can do to the teeth (stomach acid and
tooth enamel don't mix. The teeth turn brown and decay).
So, I've opted for calorie avoidance over binging and
purging. This works for me. I've found a way to make a
grilled cheese sandwich that totals out to be 155 calories
(this includes: sweet cream butter, 9-grain bread, sun-
dried tomato and basil mozzarella cheese and shaved ham or
turkey). I can also make an omelet that is less than
100 calories. I've found ways to cut or omit calories out
of every recipe I make. It's something I can't stop myself
from doing. When I observe people eating, I can almost
always recite exactly how many calories they are consuming
and usually without much mental recollection. Is this
becoming something I can't control? At this point I think
the answer is no. When I reach my goal weight (which
changes with every pound I lose. I'm shooting for 130 now)
will I be able to eat normally and not scrutinize very
calorie I eat? I'm not so sure. I guess I'll have to wait
and see when I get there. We did end up going out to
dinner. The Family Pancake House. I had 10 dollar sized
pancakes (well, 9. I gave one to Kiki) a few sips of
Snookums' milkshake and an onion ring. I guesstimated
(with a little help from calorieking.com) that I ate about
800 calories or so. Which, puts me at 1200 calories eaten
today. So, it was a little higher than I usually eat. I
didn't lose 59 pounds by stuffing my face every day. This
life-long journey takes discipline and I've got enough of
that to spare. Hopefully everyone around me can understand
that. Ciao.




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