Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2005-12-12 18:25:50 (UTC)

Depression Hurts

Have you seen those commercials, lately? Every time I see
one I want to break into tears, because it's like they're
speaking to me personally. Who does depression hurt? Where
does it hurt? Everyone and everywhere. No matter how happy
I seem to be at times, there's always this underlying
sadness that permeates. It seeps into the happiest moments
and makes me wonder when something bad is going to happen.
Like, not enjoying having Snookums home, because I was
thinking about him ultimately leaving (which he has, I'll
get into that later). Last night I went to the
depressionhurts.com website and looked at some of the
symptoms of depression...I have ALL of them. I showed
Snookums the checklist they have for you to show your
doctor, and all the checkmarks I'd made on it, and he
looked at me and said "Make an appointment". I know I have
this "disease" (their words, not mine, I'm not sure I want
to agree) but, I'm not sure if I'm willing to own up to
it. And I know I'm not willing to medicate myself. How
long I'll be able to live with the underlying sadness
before it gets to me, I don't know. I'll take it one day
at a time.

I had a rough night last night. Snookums and I snuggled in
bed and watched Extreme Home Makeover, afterwards,
Snookums fell asleep and I stayed up to watch Grey's
Anatomy. I don't know what happened, I just started
crying. It was a mildly touching episode, but nothing
worth crying about. I've been feeling the urge to cry
welling up beneath the surface for months and it doesn't
take much for the urge to be realized, but last night it
was completlely uncontrollable. I couldn't stop myself
from sobbing. I can't even tell you why. Maybe it was the
stress of Snookums leaving compounded with the touching
moments in the program, combined with my depression (the
ugly "d" word). I tried very hard not to wake Snookums up,
because I didn't want to disturb him up or make him feel
like I couldn't handle him leaving, because I don't
honestly feel that's the case. I just felt very broken.
Why, I don't know. Snookums rolled over in his sleep and
held me tight. He was so warm and loving, without knowing
he was doing it, that I just wanted to feel that comfort
for as long as I could. So, I quietly cried and laid in
his arms until 2am. I didn't fall asleep right away,
because I wanted to feel him as long as possible. He was
consoling me without even knowing he was doing it.

When I woke up this morning Snookums was gone. He didn't
wake me up to say goodbye and that made me a little sad,
but I had responsibilities to attend to, so I couldn't
cocoon myself into the bed and dwell on it. I had to get
up. I got Annie to daycare just in time to catch the bus
and on my way back home I started crying again. Why? To
hell if I know, but it's not a good idea. Crying and
morning rush hour traffic don't mix. So, now that I'm
home, I'm trying very hard to keep busy. It's a little
after 10am and I've already washed, dried and replaced the
sheets, washed and dried Kiki's laundry, swept and mopped
the floors and fed the baby breakfast and I've only been
home an hour and a half. I'm not going to keep up this
pace for the next week, but it's helping me for the
moment. Ciao.




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