Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2005-11-04 21:40:59 (UTC)

Notes On Infidelity

Most dictionaries define INFIDELITY as: unfaithfulness or
disloyalty, especially to a sexual partner. But, what
exactly would be considered unfaithfulness or disloyalty?
Is it purely sexual or does it go deeper than that? Can a
person be considered adulterous if the act of disloyalty
has nothing to do with sex? I believe that all people have
something to offer others. Whether it be big or small.
Imperative or infinitesmal. Is it wrong to have your
(nonphysical) needs met by a stranger, when that support
should come from you husband (wife, significant other,
whatever)? I would be inclined to say no. But, is it okay
if that other person was of the opposite sex? And is it
okay to not mention that person to your significant other?
Where do the lines of friendship end and spiritual
connection begin? Is there even a difference? Is a
friendship indeed just a spiritual connection? Or is that
something reserved for that one special person?

No, I haven't done anything crazy like cheat on my
husband. No, I'm not considering cheating on my husband. I
was just wondering. Sometimes I feel like it's too much to
ask of Snookums to be able to fulfill ALL of my needs.

Lately, I've been corresponding with a guy that I find to
be very interesting. I don't talk to him very much, or in
depth about any one topic, but I do enjoy reading his
accounts of his daily life. He appears, to me, at least,
to be very thoughtful, feeling and open. He talks about
his feelings in ways Snookums NEVER would. He seems to
possess some of the qualities I find Snookums lacking in
and I was just wondering if it's wrong to seek out another
man to fulfill needs you should be getting fulfilled by
your husband. I'm not intentionally looking for an
emotional substitute for my husband, it just seems like it
could happen. Or I'm predisposed to letting it happen. And
could that possibly lead to something more incriminating.

Snookums is a very loving man. He's openly affectionate.
He's sweet natured, everyone loves him. I don't doubt for
a single moment that he loves me. Our courtship was full
of sweet gestures and romantic moments. That isn't the
issue, romance is never lacking in our relationship. The
one thing I miss most, that I've NEVER had in my life,
with a man or woman, was someone who shared all of their
thoughts and feelings with me. I tell Snookums everything.
Stupid stuff, trivial things, but sometimes important
things, pressing on my mind and he'll either change the
subject or fall asleep. The only way to get his attention,
is to cry and unfortunately, I've used that weakness of
his to get attention. He's pretty much stopped listening
when I talk about my past. I know talking about the rape
is painful for him to hear, but it's more painful for me
to not talk about it. It's painful to know that he doesn't
want to hear it. He lets me talk sometimes, but he doesn't
respond or comment on anything I say. I would love to have
an intellectual conversation with him, but he seems
resistent. Maybe it isn't his fault. Maybe I just need
more therapy, but even therapists aren't there for you day-
in and day-out. I thought that was what a significant
other was for. Maybe I'm just mistaken. About a lot of
things.

I desperately want someone to just talk to. Someone who
doesn't just listen, but gives feedback. Comments. Has
intellectal thoughts and theories. Someone who doesn't
just let me talk to myself and when I ask a question,
answers with a perturbed "I don't know". I don't mean to
make my husband out be insensitive. I know he's got a lot
going on and things on his mind. But, I've got no one to
talk to but him, and he's just not cutting it.
Unfortunatley, loneliness is destined to be my purgatory.




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