Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2005-10-28 16:35:11 (UTC)

One Of Those FUCKED UP Days

I can already tell today is going to be one of those
FUCKED UP days!!! My life SUCKS, at least today it does. I
feel like I'm in one of those slumps that are so hard to
crawl out of. I'm bored, lonely and I don't even want to
go for a walk (yeah, it's that bad). As much as I
appreciate my comfortable, stable life. I truly feel like
something is missing. I just can't put my finger on it. As
much as I hate going to work, I miss the fulfillment of a
good day's work. I'm not totally convinced that my lack of
employment is the issue. I hate having to be somewhere
when someone else decides, doing what someone else is
telling me to... every day. Structure that rigid in nature
goes against my sensibilities. If I could pick and choose
what I do every day, that would be great. I know I do that
to some extent now, but I'm tethered to a child all day,
which severly limits my ability to do the things I want
to. I've got to find something to occupy my brain or I'm
going to go crazy!

As far as the weight loss and exercise goes, it's going
okay. I'm having no problem with the the diet aspect of
it. I'm not having the urge to overeat or binge at all.
Even on days like today. The only problem I'm having is
with my exercise program. I'M SO BORED. As much as I like
to walk, I wish I had more variety and accesibility to
other activities. Getting Kallista ready for a walk is
such a production that I hate going through it every day.
I have to feed her, change her, make sure she's warm,
locate a hat, gloves, a blanket, find a binky, get her
situated in the stroller, then she cries about something,
spits up or poops, I've got to take her out, start the
process over. Not to mention the stroller is better suited
to the mall, not the cracked and bumpy pavement of the
city. Then if it's raining I don't get to go at all. I
could go on but I won't. Let's just say its not a happy
experience. I try to take advantage of Snookums being
home, but I want to spend time with him, too. And
sometimes the evenings are just too busy for me to get
away (and Snookums doesn't want me walking at night). I
know when he leaves I won't be able to take walks alone,
so there's really no sense in getting use to solo walks at
all. What the hell am I going to do? I've been at this for
2 1/2 months, I'm doing great, 39 pounds lost, but I'm
running out of steam. I'm not worried about regaining. I'm
worried about not meeting my goals. 175 and then,
eventually 150. I want so bad to go to the gym everyday!!!

I can tell today is going to be one of those days of
intense discontent. Snookums has duty, he won't be home
until tomorrow morning, so I won't get a break from the
girls' today, either. I hope Kiki sleeps a lot. I guess
I'll go do the movements of step. It's raining, so I can't
go for a walk. Today SUCKS.




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