Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2005-10-03 16:32:54 (UTC)

Something Is About To Happen

For some strange reason I didn't sleep very well last
night. I kept tossing and turning and waking up to look at
the clock. It's almost like I wanted the night to just
end, already. I was constantly having dreams about the
family that has disowned me (my mother and her clan), my
ponytail was a bit too tight, but I was too tired to
struggle with the scrunchy and the sheets were wrapping
around my feet and I couldn't get comfortable. Over-all it
was a crappy night. So, when Snookums left for work at 6am
I got up, had a bowl of oatmeal and a glass of milk, fixed
the sheets and went back to sleep until now. It's a little
after 9am. I feel better, but something still doesn't feel
right. I can't put my finger on it. This morning just
doesn't feel like every other morning. I usually feel this
way when something is about to happen (I'm very in tune
with certain energies). Or when things are about to
change. Like the tides, I can kind of predict these
things. The dreams about my family are what's making me
the most uneasy, considering that some of them live here
in the very town I live in. Only a few miles away. The
odds of staying out of each other's paths are slowly but
surely turning against our favor. And a public display
isn't in anyone's favor. I did get a letter from the
Department Of Corrections last week, telling me my step-
father was in the Olympic Corrections Facility in Forks,
Washington and he'll be getting out April 10, 2006, but
I'm not feeling like that's what's bothering me. Let's
just hope it was only a bad night's sleep and nothing more.

Ive been feeling guilty since last night, because Snookums
ordered pizza for dinner and I had a piece. It was
vegetarian pizza and I chose the smallest piece in the
box, but it was pizza none the less. I'd gotten a salad
that wasn't the most exciting salad I've ever had, so I
figured one piece couldn't hurt. Then I watched The Half
Ton Man on TLC. That's when I started feeling guilty. This
man weighed 1,200 pounds and insisted he didn't eat more
than anyone else, it was all genetic, but his parents
weren't obese. Neither were his siblings. Another man on
the show had managed to lose over 900 pounds, he got down
to 198 and to celebrate he had a Nathan's hotdog that lead
to 2 hotdogs to 4, then he had to have the fries and the
cheese on the fries and long story short, he gained back
all 900 pounds and then some. His story is what made me
feel most guilty about the pizza. I don't want to go back
to eating an entire pizza on my own, because it makes me
happy. I'm happy without the entire pizza. I'm not guilty
for the act of eating the single piece of pizza. I'm
guilty about opening the doors of temptation. I've been
avoiding all of my possible triggers (anything greasy,
fattening, creamy or sweet)and I don't think I'm at a
place in my journey where I can successfully integrate
those foods back into my diet(in moderation, of course)
without risking a binge cycle and gaining all my hard
earned pounds back. I think I'll be staying away from
pizza for awhile longer. No one should be over analyzing
their dinner to this extent the next morning. I'm still at
191, so that's a good thing (and a bad thing, too. Since I
am trying to break into the 180's).

Well, I'm going to go and try to get my day back on track.
It's still feeling out of the norm, so I'll be going on a
walk, doing step and pilates and the exercise ball. It'll
make me feel better knowing I sweated off all traces of
the pizza and maybe somewhere in there my day will slip
back into normal. Ciao.




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