Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
Thinking Back To "The Dark Ages"
My day without Snookums is almost over. When I wake up in
the morning, he will be in bed next to me. Even though
only a matter of weeks ago, I couldn't breathe, let alone
function without him being near me. Now, I'm feeling
stronger and far more independant. I'm starting to trust
my own judgement and I feel like the adult I am. I'm not
the wounded animal I once was. I use to pretend that I was
strong, just to survive and make it through to another
day, but now I truely am strong, because I have survived.
I've risen from the ashes that were my retched life, like
a phoenix.
Lately I've been thinking back to "The dark ages" (what
I'm calling my period of depression) and thinking about
what launched me into that vile period of my being. And it
all stems back to my STEP-FATHER. I want to say mean and
nasty things about him. I want to hate him. I want to wish
he was dead. But, strangely enough. I wish him no malice.
I feel sorry for him, what's become of his life and what I
feel I've done to him. I know, I know, he did it to
himself, I'm not to blame and all that psychological mumbo-
jumbo. But the reality of the matter is that, had I not
said anything, he would be going about his life, as
planned. Mostly I feel sorry for my mother (whom I have no
relationship with). She loved him so much. This was the
man of her dreams. She was going to grow old with him and
look what I did. I wish I could talk to her about it, but
she moved and left no forwarding address or phone number.
I'm grappling with the reality that I may never speak to
my mother again. Yesterday I went online and I did a
little research and I found her on one of those people
locating websites. They dangled just enough information
before me to let me know for certain it was her. All of
our old addresses from the past 10 years (we were a Navy
family, we moved every 2 to 3 years). How many people with
her name, her birthday and having lived in all of the same
cities could there be? I knew it was her, but to get her
current phone number and address, I had to pay for it and
I wasn't comfortable putting my credit card number on some
website I don't know. All I was able to find out was that
she's living in Federal Way, about an hour away from me. I
want to talk to her so bad, but it's not stopping me from
moving on with my life. All of the people around me seem
to agree that she isn't the best influence for me. She is
a severely controlling woman and she had me under her
thumb for years. I was 20 years old, asking if I could go
out on a date (with my now husband). Does that seem right
to you? Well, I didn't think anything of it, until
Snookums asked me why I had to ask if he could take me to
the movies. I love my mother, but she's not the best
catalyst for my healing. She'd tear open old wounds like a
rabid hyena.
I had a nice day with the girls. Annie is so happy that
Kiki is starting to communicate with her. Kiki has been
doing alot more "talking" these days. Her coos are so loud
and persistant that you can't help but stop what you're
doing to talk with her. She's such a ham. Annie was trying
her hardest to teach Kiki colors and shapes. I tried to
explain that Kiki is still a bit young for that, but she
wouldn't listen, but it kept her entertained most of the
afternoon, so I just let her go. I want Annie and Kiki to
have a strong bond that lasts long into adulthood.
Sometimes I wonder how my life would have been had I had a
sibling to grow up with. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so
alone. I can only speculate.
I'm getting a bit tuckered out. I've had a good day and
I'm ready to sleep. Ciao, until we meet again.
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