Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2005-09-05 04:00:14 (UTC)

Pining For Snookums

Well, it's 8:20pm. I'm home alone (still) and very lonely
and bored. I could read, I could watch tv, I could do
Pilates. All of which I intend to do at some point
tonight. I just felt like writing right now. Snookums
still isn't home and I don't think he will be home
tonight. He called me around an hour ago, told me he was
having a good time and they were going to go play pool.
I'm guessing I won't be seeing him until some time
tomorrow. I've processed this realization and at first I
was a bit panicked by it, but once I accepted that he
wasn't coming home, I'm a big girl, I've been home alone
before, I lived through it. I was okay with the idea. It
isn't often that he gets to spend time with friends. He
works long, hard hours, comes home, goes to sleep and does
it again the next day. He deserves to have some fun. I'm
just saying all of this to make myself feel better,
because the selfish side of me is mad that I got left home
alone on a Sunday, with nothing to do, while he had a
grand old time in Seattle. I'm lonely and worried that
something might happen to him. God, I'm such a wuss. The
fact of the matter is that I've never really been alone
before. I left the watchful eye of my parents and moved
right in with my husband. I've never been alone, ever. So,
I don't know what it's like to be in a house and be the
one "in charge". It's a sensation that most people take
for granted, but it's all very new to me.

I feel like I ate too much today and in hindsight, I ate
more than I usually do, but still within the allowed
amount. I did NOT binge today. I didn't really even have
the urge. I just didn't exercise and I have a tendency to
want to eat less to compensate for the calories I'm not
burning off. I didn't do that, though. I ate as normal, so
I'm feeling like I ate too much. Where did I pick up all
these self-destructive habits? I'll do Pilates and work
out on the exercise ball later, just to make myself feel
better.

I'm tired, because to make up for being bored and lonely,
I cleaned the entire house. Even though it wasn't in much
need of it, since that is what I do during the week, but I
needed something to do. So, I washed the laundry, dusted,
sweeped, mopped, vacuumed, de-furred the furniture, pruned
plants, swept the patio, washed and pressed Snookums'
uniforms, washed dishes and cleaned the bathroom. I hardly
sat down at all today. I wanted to keep busy until
Snookums got home, but eventually I ran out of things to
do. Annie and I colored about 4,000 pictures and
eventually she got tired and went to bed, so I was on my
own. That's when I decided to write this novel. I love to
write and it does occupy some time, so why not? What else
do I have to write about? Nothing really, so I guess this
is were I'll start speaking jibberish. If anyones reading
this, you might want to exit now:

I watched a Lifetime movie today. I didn't catch the
title, but it was about this teenaged girl who would take
a razor blade, knife, jagged piece of glass (anything
sharp) and slice herself whenever she was in pain (mad,
sad, angry, hurt). She didn't know any other way to
express her pain. I watched the movie thinking to myself
that I was so glad that I was able to find a way to
express my pain in a way that wasn't self-mutilating. When
her parent's took away all the sharp objects, she started
burning herself. I couldn't do it, I hate pain. There's no
way I could inflict it on myself.

UPDATE! I just got off the phone with Snookums. He's
coming home on the 10:30pm ferry, so I'll go pick him up
and he'll be home by midnight. And I did all that pining
for nothing. Damn, now I've got to drag two sleeping kids
into the car and drive when I'm already tired. There I go
complaining again. I should just be glad I get to sleep
with Snookums tonight and not alone in our cold,
california king sized bed. Will I ever be grateful for the
small blessings in my life?




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